1. Chapter 1 (1/2)

12 months

'i'll admit, this isn't quite the reaction i was hoping for after professing my love for you.'

the words were muttered almost bitterly by the younger boy as he tried unsuccessfully to hide the tears welling up in the corner of his eyes. it had been only about two minutes since he'd spilled his heart out to the older boy and those two minutes were ones of complete silence in response up until this point. the older boy had done nothing but stare, opening his mouth a few times but immediately changing his mind and closing it again, awkwardly gawping at the

own haired boy in front of him who was growing visibly more and more distressed.

'should i...maybe i should just go?' dan suggested, glancing awkwardly over his shoulder looking for an escape route, someone to drag him out of this mess he'd just slipped and fell in. giving one last pained look towards phil, cringing at the tense moment he'd created, he turned away at the same time the tears finally

oke free and began rolling down his cheeks.

planning up to this moment dan had never been quite sure what to expect but no scenario in his head had ended with phil just...not saying anything at all. the months dan had spent keeping this a secret seemed faintly ridiculous now that his long-awaited confession had been met with the blankest of stares. dan had been hoping for a kind let down as the very worst, but apparently he'd miscalculated because phil, best friend of six plus years, first a role model, then a mentor, a friend, best friend, more; obviously the feelings of affection only ran so deep on one side.

'no, dan, wait!'

phil cried out just in time to reach dan before he walked out of grasp, throwing out a quick hand to halt the

own haired boy in his path. surprised, dan spun around, hopeful for the shortest of seconds before it really registered that phil's expression remained somewhat regretful, forlorn. in any case dan was certain phil was not about to pull him into a warm kiss and repeat the words dan could still hear echoing mockingly within his skull from when he had said them what seemed now like so many moments ago.

'i-sorry, i just...oh god.'

phil struggled to get the words out, the effort to convey his feelings doing nothing but forcing tears out to match dan's own. wet blue eyes met damp

own ones before phil pulled a shocked dan into a close hug. the messages were so mixed now dan couldn't have separated them if he tried but he took what little was offered to him and hugged the older boy back, wanting to comfort him even without understanding what was going on.

'phil?' he asked timidly as soon as he felt hot tears splashing onto his neck. in dan's experience it really wasn't like phil to cry over things, not his phil who could see the good in everyone and everything. it was unusual phil couldn't rationalize a happier response than this but this was only the beginning.

'phil? what's...what's up? say something, please,' dan pleaded as phil only hugged him harder shaking his head. when he finally spoke his voice wavered, weak, hardly heard through the silent sobs that took priority.

'why couldn't you have told me this years ago?' phil whispered, pulling back to show dan an expression that was best described as

oken and dan was at a loss as to how to react. not knowing what else to do but needing to comfort the heart

oken boy in front of him, dan cautiously

ought a gentle hand up to

ush phil's fringe from his face, keeping his gaze fixed on phil's watery eyes.

'phil? what-' dan tried to asked,

ow furrowing in the concentration required to try and work out where phil's head was at right now because dan wasn't quite so sure.

'we could have had a chance,' phil sniffled, letting dan go to reach up and wipe the tears from his eyes instead, glancing away but tucking himself into dan's touch still on his cheek.

'phil, calm down please. tell me what you mean. what are you on abou-' dan tried to ask but he never finished the question because he was cut off, his mouth suddenly given something else much more important to form shapes around than just words.

phil's kiss was slow and sweet, exactly how dan had always imagined it, soft, delicate, a passion restrained. they kissed for what felt like hours after dan's initial shock, the stiffness that followed naturally after the first surprise of finally having phil's lips where he'd been dreaming of having them for a whole year now. dan relaxed into the kiss soon enough, letting his lips part under phil's as the older boy took control and the kiss grew more heated, more passion leaking through. but the kiss was wetter than it was supposed to be, still slightly more restrained than it was supposed to be if this was phil's love confession and just as quickly as the kiss had started dan was questioning it.

he didn't have time to wonder if he should pull away before phil already was, looking shocked and confused in himself, much the same way dan felt. dan opened his mouth wondering what to say now, wondering what phil was about to say, but phil got there first.

'i'm sorry. i should...i really should go?' phil stammered as if it were a question, letting go of dan like he was something scorching hot but leaving dan ice cold without phil's touch. without another word, no explanation, phil was backing up, turning around, running away leaving dan too confused to be heart

oken.

11 months

'phil, this is getting ridiculous now, okay. you need to tell me what's going on! i'm worried about you all right. just...where are we exactly? it's been a month; i told you i loved you, you kissed me, and now we've barely spoken. did i fuck things up 'cause i've honestly got no idea what's going on and i'm scared and i miss you! why are you being so distant?!'

dan had finally cornered phil on his way home from school, sick of phil's strange and avoiding behavior, needing to know where they stood. had dan ruined their entire friendship in one fell swoop? had he made exactly the wrong decision in telling phil at all? should he have kept his feelings to himself? if that were the case, however, the fact of the kiss seemed to contradict all of that leaving dan more confused than ever.

'dan, please.' the pleading was sighed out as phil slumped back against the wall in defeat. the courtyard was slowly emptying and phil said nothing more till everyone was out of earshot. 'don't make this harder than it has to be,' phil begged, meeting dan's gaze for only a short second before he had to look away again, unable to confront the anger in dan's eyes. phil just couldn't bear his best friend looking at him like that, so much confusion and hurt and disappointment hidden behind his gaze. he could ask for dan not to make this any harder, but truthfully, it would have been a challenge for it to get any worse than this. it was just one of those situations with no right answer and phil had only gone with the option that he thought would cause the least amount of pain in the end but how was he to know what was really right?

'why are you avoiding me?!' dan demanded, ignoring phil's request; he just needed his friend back, he needed some reassurance he hadn't driven phil away. phil was finally able to look up now however, meeting dan's gaze with his own harder stare. the younger boy wasn't going to listen to phil's reason he knew. dan wouldn't obey when phil asked him to make things easier. dan needed answers and that left phil with no option other than to give them; dan wasn't going to let him go otherwise.

'if i had a choice i wouldn't, but-' phil began but dan cut him off angrily. it had been a month of this treatment, dan was sick of it. he needed an explanation now. he'd needed an explanation yesterday, really.

'cut the bullshit phil. tell me what's going on!'

phil sighed again, meeting dan's gaze and hoping their familiar warmth would help calm his nerves but the usually mellow

own was blazing with a fiery determination phil had never seen before.

'you want the real answer, dan? it's because i want you to fall out of love with me. i figured this was the quickest way to do it.'

at phil's hard truth dan literally recoiled in shock at the words. this was harsh, much harsher than dan had anticipated and god did it hurt like hell. quickly dan could feel tears forming in his eyes, as he knew for certain now he had made the biggest mistake of his life a month ago. this was why phil was being distant; this was why they'd hardly spoken for four weeks. phil clearly resented the fact that dan loved him and needed to change it as quickly as possible. phil was acting now like dan really was nothing more than the uncomfortably clingy fan boy tagging along behind him that dan had always feared phil would only ever see him as. but phil finally voicing those thoughts hurt more than he'd expected it would. none of this explained the kiss but dan was sure he'd already heard enough; the confession had struck him in the chest like a hammer and he'd nearly crumbled to the floor as it was.

'oh.' the soft sigh fell from his lips as dan immediately felt himself shrink down from the equal he'd grown to naively view himself as, back to nothing more than the lonely, pathetic year 7 on the playground who'd relied so much on the older year 8, the only one who'd ever bothered to pay any attention. taking a hesitant step back and commanding his tears not to fall, dan glanced away nervously, terrified of whatever phil could say next. he loved the older boy so desperately he knew it wouldn't take much to

eak him completely if phil so chose.

'no, dan, wait, it's not like...that,' phil struggled to explain, wanting to hit himself when he realised dan's reaction; how the poor boy in front of him must be feeling now. he looked frozen, petrified with fear, and phil had never hated himself more. how could he have been so harsh? god, he just needed to calm down and explain because he really hadn't been making the best decisions this past month and dan deserved better. he didn't have much defense beyond claiming to be confused by the millions of thoughts and powerful emotions that had been swirling around his head since the moment those beautiful, cursed words had fallen from dan's lips a month ago. i love you. how long had phil spent dreaming of the younger boy voicing that exact thought and oh, how cruel was it that now, when he did, it was too late, just too late?

'fall…out of love,' dan whispered, lower lip trembling and phil needed nothing more than to pull him into a hug but that would only have confused things further, he was sure. there was only so much he could be allowed to play with the younger boy's feelings before dan really did fall out of love…maybe began to hate him.

'well no, dan, not out, but oh,' he finished the sentence with a frustrated groan as he realised how hard it was to explain but it was too late. dan was already trying his hardest to make sense of this whole messed up situation on his own, like he though phil had already abandoned him.

'phil, please,' he whispered, begged. 'just tell me what you mean because i've gone over every situation i can think of in my head and i still don't know what i've done wrong! do you not love me back? do you not want a relationship? do you still see me as the scared little kid i was in year 7? did i make you too uncomfortable a month ago? maybe i overstepped a line? you're not ready for a relationship? i just don't know what you're really expecting from me, phil, because i'm not sure i can just...stop, if that's what you want. i just…don't know! and i'm sorry if i've fucked everything up, have i? just why can't you tell me?'

as if the pain already couldn't get worse dan's words struck exactly the right chord in phil to

eak all those barriers down and he started to cry too, embarrassing as that was. he couldn't help it, not when life seemed to have dealt him such a shit hand without any help on how to play it. 'dan, believe me, i'm trying, but you have no idea how difficult this is to say! it's just such...bad timing, the worst timing. if we were anywhere other than where we are, god dan, if it was any other time…right now i'd be telling you i love you back, and i'd kiss you, and hold you close, and tell you how much you mean to me because you really do mean so, so much. but i can't because we are here and it's so hard because i never expected this to happen and now it has at the worst time. it's just too late for us, too late for there to be an us.'

'phil, slower, please. you're still not making any sense!' dan tried to interject before phil went full force but it wasn't much use. 'are you…what do you mean? you used to love me? you don't any more? is that what you're saying? if i'd told you a year ago would you have said it back? two years?'

phil sighed again as he gave up and let himself go. beckoning the younger boy closer and pulling him into a hug he shouldn't have let himself have, phil shook his head sadly. taking the deepest, shuddering

eath, he restarted, trying to make his words catch up to his racing thoughts.

'no, dan. i've always loved you. years; it's been years and years and years. but i never thought you'd love me back, i never had much hope for that. only now you do and it's just...things have come together too late to do anything about it. it sucks, oh my god does it suck! it feels like everything we have, could have had, it's all going to waste; nothing met up at the right time. it's so unfair! why did you have to fall in love with me too late?'

phil was sobbing quietly again into dan's shoulder as dan hugged him back. fittingly so raindrops began to fall as tears did; not that rain was unusual for the uk but it seemed that cloud was overhead just for their mourning now. still confused, but on the right path to understanding, dan, all his anger dissolved now, gently pulled phil closer towards him, leading them out of the rain and to the side, undercover though it felt nothing could protect them now. knowing he'd only get the full answer from phil once the older boy was calm, dan spent the next few moments gently rubbing his hand up and down phil's back; a soothing gesture as he sighed into the boy's chest.

as the moment wore on dan was beginning to regret never telling phil when he first realised he'd fallen madly in love with him, more than thirteen months previously. it was clear they could have had so much longer together if only they both hadn't been so scared of admitting the truth, but one final, key piece of information was missing for dan to fully understand why his best friend was crying silently on his shoulder: why was it 'too late'?

'phil, i'm sorry. i still don't understand. too late?' dan whispered, frightened by whatever the answer might be. did phil already have a boyfriend; had he been trying to move on? had he given up so much on dan that his love had been tarnished somehow? did he not love him in the same way anymore?

sniffling slightly, phil eventually removed his head from dan's shoulder, rubbing his eyes roughly. their rims were now red from crying but to dan, phil was just as beautiful as ever, if not apparently a little damaged.

'dan, think about it,' phil muttered bitterly, his harsh tone seemingly directed more at the space around them, at the universe, at fate, rather than at dan himself. 'it's only eleven months. we've only got eleven months left and that's just not long enough. i wanted a lifetime with you but we...we met too early in life and we're going to be torn apart. we met too young to realise what our feelings meant soon enough that we'd still have a chance to do anything about it. it's not fair. it's like we're stuck in the wrong time and it sucks!'

dan sighed as phil finished, wondering if he was ever going to get a straight answer from phil. everything had been spoken in cryptic terms so far leaving dan still as lost as ever in phil's words, confused, like he was trying to piece together his thoughts as a 500 000 piece jigsaw puzzle.

'phil, love, please. why don't you calm down, take a few deep

eaths, and start again from the beginning because i have no idea what you mean when you keep contradicting yourself.' dan tried again gently before phil caused himself any more damage and being so in love with the younger boy phil didn't hesitate to listen and take dan's advice. 'here. sit down next to me okay and talk me through whatever you have to. maybe we've just misinterpreted something here and we can work it out, yeah? i want you to be happy.'

'we can't dan. we can't work this out,' phil argued, tired, shaking his head in protest but he copied dan's actions as dan gently lowered them to the floor, letting phil rest against him. it was a sad sight to see now: two boys so hopelessly in love with one another but so long hesitant to do anything about it that now the golden window of opportunity had closed on them both and only phil realised.

'okay, phil, let's start from the beginning all right, the very beginning. here, look at me.' dan gently lifted phil's chin so their eyes met before dan repeated the words he'd spoken at this same spot in the school grounds a month ago. 'i love you okay. i've loved you since i was fifteen. you mean everything to me, everything. i said that, and you kissed me, and you freaked out. now we've barely spoken for a month but i want to take this one step at a time, can you do that? i'm only asking you one thing right now: where are we? what's happening between us okay? because i'm trying to understand, but you're giving me very mixed messages philly.'

looking into dan's deep

own eyes phil sighed, giving in and knowing before he even started to speak that he'd tell dan everything, or at least all he could comprehend himself because he knew dan deserved better treatment than this. he took a deep

eath and when he let it out again it formed all the words he'd been afraid to say for a month.

'i'm sorry i've been avoiding you for a month. i...i guess i can see now that probably wasn't the best call. it's...it's not i don't want you to love me...it's well, before it was almost…easier, you know? i'd accepted it. i never let myself believe you could love me back and after years i'd gotten used to it. the fact i'd be moving away from you at some point seemed less important then. of course we'd stay friends, i mean, but i was almost hoping it could be my key to getting over you.'

phil admitted his thoughts quietly but they were loud as they echoed around dan's head, deafening over the rain, the only thing that really registered. the only important thing in the entire universe right now was the fact that phil wanted to get over him and dan could focus on nothing else.

'moving away?' he asked almost fearfully. holding his

eath waiting for phil's answer, he prayed to any deity he could think of that phil wasn't about to confide some horrible truth that he was moving school. dan couldn't even imagine how he'd try and cope if his best friend, his rock, the very foundation of his being, just up and left him.

'dan,' phil moaned, the sound of the name agony on his lips. 'you've known this; we've both known this for years. it's always been coming.'

'phil,' dan cried back, sitting up now to face his friend front on, a wild look in his eye that told phil he still didn't understand. 'what are you so afraid of? what don't you want to tell me? yes, i can see you're hiding something; there's something causing this tension between us. i know i might have fucked things up telling you how i feel but that doesn't change the fact that i'm your best friend, does it? just because i have a stupid little crush on you doesn't mean i'm not here for you just like i've always been, so tell me!' dan demanded taking phil's hands between his own and squeezing them tight as phil once more shook his head.

'your crush isn't stupid and it's not just a little crush, dan. i just wish i'd realised that earlier. it would have been worth it,' phil sighed, a sense of longing now, forlorn; dan couldn't mimic his emotions though because what did phil mean by that? why couldn't he just say it?

'phil, i'm not sherlock. say it in english!' dan begged, finally

eaking through the wall phil had been building between them, finally. slowly phil looked up, giving dan the saddest expression dan had ever seen on anyone's face. this was the expression of someone forced to make an impossible choice, complete with the ever-lasting fear they were making the wrong one etched into their gaze.

'i don't want to hear myself say it out loud anymore than you do, dan. i'm so sorry, but it's just not something i can't think about.' phil paused here and for a second dan wasn't sure he was going to continue, but he did and when he did it wasn't pretty.

'look, i love you and you love me and that's supposed to be happy, it's supposed to be wonderful and the best days of our lives! you'd think it was obvious what we're supposed to do here, right? but it's more complicated than that, and i'm sorry i gave you the wrong impression by kissing you, then ignoring you, but i didn't know how else to handle it. it's just...it's october now. in less than a year i won't go to this school anymore. in less than a year i'll be moving away, god knows where, to university and i'm going to be leaving you behind and that thought has been killing me for months and months and especially this last one. i can't just ignore it because it's not just a little irrelevant detail dan, i know you're going to say that.'

'but right now it's october, like you said. it's not eleven months away, is it? right now, right here, we love each other, don't we? we can deal with eleven months away in eleven months,' dan suggested with a small smile, leaning closer almost automatically, searching for the kiss he hoped would make it all better but phil wasn't that easy to persuade.

'dan, don't,' phil whined, pushing him away and dan sat back, dejected when phil's features screwed up in pain, groaning under the emotional turmoil. 'i wish we didn't love each other, okay. then i wouldn't have to make this choice, but it's always been the only outcome, hasn't it? you're in year 12 and i'm year 13...'

'phil, one year! are you kidding me? that's nothing!'

'if this was purely an age thing i'd agree with you,' phil sighed, silently begging dan to just not be so stubborn, to please listen to him. 'but it's not just that, you know it's not. in less than a year i won't be here. you won't see me everyday; it won't be like this. we have a deadline, and i don't want to make the inevitable rip any more painful than it has to be when our time runs out.'

phil finished out of

eath,

eathing heavily as he looked between dan's eyes but neither left nor right showed any signs of true understanding from the younger boy; only denial and that ever-stubborn nature reflected back on phil.

'so you don't want to be with me?' dan asked softly, but his words were a challenge posed to the older boy, an aggravating one, like he was only searching for conflict now.

'no. god. yes! but ugh dan, you're so infuriating! i can't be with you. you know i can't! but if i say i don't want to be with you you're just going to turn that around on me!' phil replied, the emotions anger and frustration now causing the blurring of his vision as he kept his gaze locked on dan.

'if you really loved me...' dan muttered, turning away from phil's harsher than intended stare, not wanting to see the look in his love's eyes when the expected rejection came.

'dan, don't fucking say that,' phil growled, but the harshness to his tone didn't translate into his touch; a soft and gentle touch, almost nothing more than a caress as phil handled dan like he would

eak, tipping the younger boy's chin up to meet his gaze once more. 'you think i don't love you? how can you say that? you think i don't love the idea of dating you? you think i haven't been falling asleep hoping to dream of just that every night for the last four years?' phil demanded, tone hardly softening and cutting dan straight to the bone but that was how he knew the passion was there and it was real and for a moment the words were beautiful.

'but it's too late now,' phil continued although dan wished he hadn't. dan would forever wish phil had left it at the sweeter words and nothing more but it was too late now. 'it's just too fucking late! what would we do? date for eleven months and then just...nothing?

eak up? because i don't think i could do that dan!' phil's voice

oke at the end, a hollow choke that tugged on dan's heartstrings causing him to want to pull the crying boy into his arms again despite the constant, never-ceasing rejection. dan's love was a powerful force to overcome that.

'long distance is a thing, phil,' dan replied timidly after a moment of no sound other than phil's heavy

eathing. not for the first time tonight dan was longing for nothing more than to just push every emotion aside apart from the part of him that wanted to cuddle up next to phil and just not think about anything but the feel of the boy's form against him.

'dan, get real,' phil muttered with the harshest tone he'd used all night. this time it was clear what phil thought of dan's suggestion and despite dan trying to push it away still, anger welled up again from deep inside him as phil voiced his opposite opinion. 'when does long distance ever work out?' he spoke the words with what was almost a laugh of disbelief and dan was insulted. did phil really think, out of all the couples in the world that had tried, they, dan and phil, would be a part of the group to fall apart?

'when two people love each other enough to make it work,' dan retorted, furious at phil's all too casual murder of his ideals of true love. it was as if he didn't care about dan's feelings at all, despite claiming to love him, of all things.

'just because two people love each other doesn't magically mean things work out, dan! haven't you been listening at all? love is not the solution to every problem! in this case it's the source of the problem!'

'well if we mean that little to you! if my love means nothing!'

'dan don't be like that. stop being so obtuse! you know it wouldn't work. we'd get too busy. it would get too hard! it's not as easy as just a skype call every now and then, and keeping up with communication, and visits every few months; you know it wouldn't work!' phil cried, so desperately wishing dan could just see it from his side that he was near crying again. his way would save so much pain in the end, wouldn't it? that was only for the best, right?

'do i?' dan countered, most definitely annoyed now. why did phil get to decide what happened? why was phil the only one that mattered according to him? why couldn't he just listen to dan; he was the one fighting for them after all, phil seemed to be fighting against! what hurt the most though was how far phil seemed to believe they really couldn't have the happiness dan knew they both deserved. phil was right, this really wasn't fair, but it could be, so easily.

they were both holding back tears again now. dan was angry at phil. phil was silently pleading with dan not to be angry. it seemed neither would win. 'dan don't make this any harder than it has to be, please,' phil begged; he couldn't bear to meet dan's cold gaze, the boy he loved directing such anger towards him. it was all phil's fault; everything was just too hard. phil wanted to walk away again, like he'd done last time, just put off the end of this heart

eaking conversation because their relationship was teetering on the edge of an abyss that one wrong word could tip the balance of. one more hurt feeling and maybe it wouldn't matter who loved who and who was leaving in eleven months because there would be no more dan and phil to be torn apart anyway. phil wanted to avoid that scenario at all costs and the only way he was sure he could, would be to avoid this moment right now, but with dan giving him such a disappointed glare escape wouldn't be so easy.

'look i'm sorry, you know how sorry i am that it just has to be this way. it's the suckiest thing in the world all right, i know, believe me, i know,' phil tried to reason, holding dan back down, gripping his hands tightly where dan had stood up, trying to walk away himself. dan didn't want to hear another word out of phil's mouth if it was only going to be so negative but phil's grip was tight on dan's hands, and his heart. giving in, dan stopped trying to walk away but remained standing, leaving phil to look up at him with a silent look of gratitude, thankful to him for listening.

'look, as amazing as it would be for now, i just can't see us having any sort of future that doesn't end in some form of heart

eak for both of us. i know you're not going to want to hear this, but honestly, i'm only trying to protect you, dan. i don't want to see you hurting, okay. i know my actions this past month haven't exactly reflected that, because i know i've been causing you a lot of pain and that was a mistake...but as far as i can see, it won't be a good idea to get ourselves into something that we know has such a devastating ending, okay. there's no point causing heart

eak that we can avoid, all right, because it's too late, we're too far down the line for me to walk into something willingly, knowing what would happen in eleven months. i don't know, maybe if you'd told me you loved me a year ago i'd be saying something different, university would be far enough away it wouldn't be on my radar. but for now, it is. so i'm sorry, but no matter how you feel i just don't think i can innocently let us fall deeper in love knowing i have to leave you at the end. eleven months is just too short, but we'll get over it. yeah? i don't want to destroy our friendship either.'

when phil finished dan couldn't speak for a moment. in that time he didn't know whether to be angry still with phil, or sympathetic, or even whether he understood phil's point of view at all; he just couldn't feel for a moment. maybe he was numb from the cold that was beginning to seep into his bones from the outside, or else it was just the rejection of the boy he'd been secretly in love with for so long now. this was never how this was supposed to go. knowing what he knew now about how phil felt, however, above all else dan felt regret that he'd talked himself out of telling phil his secret for so many long months. if only he'd kissed the pretty blue-eyed boy sooner, maybe now they'd be home in each other's arms instead of hanging onto a friendship that could disintegrate at any second.

'what if i don't want to get over you, phil? what if i can't? what if the damage is already done because we fell in love in the first place, huh? there's no going back anyway, so why can't we take the time we have left and make the most out of it?'

dan's words were as cold as his heart right now. they came pouring out of his mouth and he felt them so hard he didn't feel them at all. phil finally let go of dan's hands, opening his mouth to reply, but dan didn't need an answer right now. all he needed was some time to himself to try and sort things out, inevitably fail, and then cry over the terrible turn their lives had taken. all it took was one twisted mindset that lead to one controversial decision that lead quickly to a meltdown, a catastrophe to which there was no easy fix, maybe even no fix at all. right now dan couldn't see a way out; he didn't know who was right or how the scales of happiness and depression weighed out. he just couldn't think, not over the sound of the rain.

'this isn't fair,' dan muttered as phil's hands dropped into his lap. and then dan turned and left; walking away to leave phil

oken on the pavement and the colour grey of the sky exactly represented what little hope there seemed to be left for the pairing.

10 months

'we've still got ten months though, phil. it's a whole ten months until you're going to university. ten months is a long time!'

ten months was one less than eleven as it had been yet another month they'd put off doing anything about the catch 22 they were in. it really seemed an impossible situation, damned if you do, damned if you don't; there was no simple explanation to decide which way was best, hence, the topic was somewhat taboo for now.

while phil was resolute, dan wasn't going to stop trying. both sides had their arguments and both sides thought they were only doing what was best and there was no agreement, no acceptance of the other army's logic. dan would continue to have no real concept of time in phil's opinion, and phil would be holding them back from happiness according to dan. it was a lose-lose situation.

'it's really not, dan,' phil sighed giving the younger boy a sad smile. 'i wish it was, i really, really wish it was, but it's not that long at all. i know, i know it sucks,' he added softly, giving in for once as dan leant over, sinking closer until he was hesitantly lying his head on phil's shoulder but not feeling much more comforted even as the older boy allowed it. the younger boy loved to believe they were timeless. he loved to delude himself that the boy he'd fallen in love with wasn't in the school year above, and wouldn't be leaving him alone in a year's time to go to university. he loved to pretend that didn't bother him as much as it did. as far as dan liked to be concerned life should be taken one moment at a time and therefore you should make the most out of every moment because who knew what could happen later. he'd deal with the heart

eak when he got to it. phil, on the other hand, needed to plan ahead. he needed to know the consequences of every action, weigh up every pro and con, meticulous and precise, overthinking to the point of insanity. he wasn't one to enter into something lightly.

if that weren't the case dan figured phil would probably be a little more receptive to his advances, a little more willing to let his feelings grow knowing they'd have a better chance of keeping something together after the year was up. life is cruel though, and things hadn't worked out that way, leaving dan desperately in love with phil, phil reluctantly in love with dan, and the painful tension between them that was the result of this unsatisfying, unresolved ending.

'i know i've told you this before dan, hun, but just think about it again, please. so say we do get together, and it's great and amazing for another ten months...'

'yeah, exactly, great and amazing,' dan repeated, lifting his head hopefully and pressing his luck moving forward in search of a kiss phil would never give him.

'dan, how great is it really going to be though,' phil argued, pushing him away, 'when we forever have this looming deadline over our heads? we'd know exactly where the end of the line was and i know you like to think it won't be a problem but it would. it would get in the way and it might just ruin it all. it's better to just...stay away from that territory altogether. why risk what we already have?'

dan gave phil a disappointed look, sitting back now, all affection washing away fast. 'you say things like that and it only makes me feel like you wish i'd never fallen in love with you,' he muttered, turning to face the front as he pulled his knees up to his chest. he didn't need the older boy to see how truly hurt he was by that idea, but he did a poor job of hiding it really; phil saw right through that, of course he did.

'dan, come on. don't say that, you know it's not true,' phil murmured softly but he was being truthful. as much as it made the situation more difficult, phil didn't want to deny dan's feelings completely. it made some things easier at least, easing the pain of an unrequited love, although the new pain more than compensated.

'it would have made things easier,' dan muttered, staring hard at the wall hearing phil sigh behind him. the bed shifted and a moment later dan felt phil's arms wrap around him from behind, the touch easing dan only a little bit, but he gave in and curled around into phil's arms, taking whatever he could get.

'i'm sorry,' phil whispered as dan hugged him back, their legs tangling together under the sheets. it was an intimate hug yet still platonic in intention, just another confusing message caused by an affection that wasn't meant to be shown, yet was leaking through unavoidably. maybe dan could kid himself that this was enough; being with phil without really being with him at all.

'we don't have to talk about this now,' phil added more sternly, causing dan to make a small noise of disapproval so phil hugged him tighter. 'dan, please.' the pleading from both ends never seemed to stop; both begging the other to see what they thought was the most logical side. it was like they were never going to realise that, when it came to love and affection, how you logic it all out doesn't really affect how your feelings are going to behave anyway. you can try and convince yourself you're only giving your best friend a comforting hug but in reality, deep down, you never want that contact to end.

'yeah okay phil; i'll drop it for now. let's not ruin the night, okay?' dan muttered eventually, finally giving in for now, but sitting up away from the older boy who gave him a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. dan responded just as enthusiastically.

'good plan,' phil murmured, nodding absently as dan sighed, giving up for now and laying back down on the bed next to phil. it was late; much too late for talking so maybe for now it was for the best, but the longer things stayed unresolved the closer they came to potential destruction.

the two boys lay more than a foot apart, as they usually did, neither wanting to admit to themselves how badly they wished they were closer to the other, although their deceptions were for very different reasons. phil maintained that he knew best; he was only doing what would be the best for both of them. even if it hurt now it was better than how much it might hurt later, wasn't it? dan, on the other hand, was really only scared of seeming too needy in his attempts to convince phil he was wrong and pushing phil further away in the process; he didn't want to lose him as a friend too. it was a lose-lose situation. no one was satisfied with their outcomes.

9 months

they were still friends, of course they were, nothing would ever change that, but months of unresolved tensions made things a little awkward between them. for too many months they'd left certain things unsaid but their doubts were ever growing.

phil began worrying, in a vague sort of way, that maybe he was missing something. time and time again he ran through his reasoning, his arguments, in his head and every time something just never felt right. he spent countless hours convincing himself this was the best way, but could never quite think those same thoughts with as much conviction whenever he met dan's forlorn smile in the hallway on the way to class. he was growing distracted, his grades dropping; he was thinking about dan more in class than his studies and he could never shake the feeling that something just wasn't quite right here.

on the other side, dan was growing more and more desperate for phil to see the light; there was only so long he could hang onto the small bit of hope he had left, only so long he could hold himself back from just giving up and accepting maybe phil was right after all. maybe they were just star-crossed in the strangest way, never really meant to be, no matter how perfect dan knew they'd be together. maybe phil had been right all along: they'd just met at the wrong time in their lives, a time when everything was just too tentative for true love.

days went by, turning into weeks, then another month, and every second a second closer to the deadline, yet everything was still up in the air. maybe they'd sort through their differences eventually and meet a compromise in the middle. or else they'd grow tired of fighting and their feelings would fall into their rightful place. only time could tell and the clock kept ticking.

7 months

the tension had faded somewhat now; there was only so long they could stay mad at each other and by this point it was pretty clear they weren't going to budge on the matter. they'd given up, sort of, or at least accepted that no matter how much they disagreed over it all, and no matter how many times they tried to use the same old arguments, nobody was going to see the light. so back to being friends they were trying other tactics, but holding back from their feelings was growing harder and harder each day. more than once they'd caved because whatever pain there was and at whatever time it might occur, right now, this moment, they still loved each other and that was the hardest to deny.

this left them in a situation where now, dan was only trying to catch phil off guard, and phil had settled for accepting that lonely feeling something was wrong was nothing more than the pain of keeping himself from the boy he loved; he going to ignore that though because it was easier than dealing. dealing with it meant finding a way to cope and phil knew he couldn't cope no matter what he did so there wasn't much point trying.

'you know,' dan started suggestively one day where the two of them had just otherwise been quietly enjoying what little time they had left together. they'd been sat next to each other in the far back corner of the sixth form common room, taking advantage of one of their few shared timetabled free periods doing what everyone else was doing really; chatting, just casual talk and banter for a while, before it fell subdue and nothing was said for the few moments previous to dan taking his opportunity.

'if you were ever going to change your mind…you may as well do it sooner rather than later,' he noted, taking phil's hand on the small space between them as he glanced up, hesitating as blue eyes met his with a warning. dan persisted regardless, powering ahead.

'otherwise you're just wasting precious, precious time,' he murmured softly, taking his gaze down to their entwined hands now. he could feel phil shifting uncomfortably beside him, throwing a cautious glance out towards the rest of the room. not that anyone else was actually paying the slightest bit of attention and as far as dan was concerned, they were the only two in the room. the only two who mattered anyway.

'dan, you know i'm not going to change my mind,' phil enforced, taking his hand back forcefully but regretting it the moment he saw a small wince of pain cross dan's features. phil sighed, softening under dan's gaze. those goddamn puppy dog eyes the younger boy would make; it was hard for phil to be as strict as he needed when dan could just play him like this. 'we've gone over this,' phil murmured, tired, he was sick of this pain, 'please don't make me say it all again.' he was begging again, though he knew that never worked well with dan. phil certainly had picked a stubborn one to fall in love with.

'i know. i'm just reminding you,' dan replied, trying to remain casual although he was actually somewhat bitter again at phil's quick jump to the pleading and the begging that was wearing dan down so much. no matter what dan said, whatever angle he took, phil's argument was always the same exhausted response. please, can we not talk about this now? if not now, when? don't make me say it again. but no matter how many times phil said the same words it never made sense to dan. dan refused to believe what they were going through now was any easier than the alternative.

'dan. i'm well aware of our deadline,' phil replied with a little more conviction this time, but dan could see him throw a quick glance towards his books on the table. he knew phil was hoping he could get out of this with some lie of a homework excuse and dan wasn't about to let him off so quickly.

'only seven months,' he replied softly, only letting himself cringe internally at how short a time that really seemed now. it was fe

uary and now, in the new year, september seemed an awful lot sooner than it did about six weeks ago. dan wasn't quite sure how he'd manage that

eak at the end whether phil loved him or not. 'it's going to hurt anyway, you know,' dan muttered, sighing angrily as he saw phil was definitely not in the mood to debate things right now. phil was never in the mood to discuss their inevitable future, like he was hoping if he just didn't think about it hard enough maybe it wouldn't happen at all.

when phil didn't reply to that dan was about to give up again for now but that didn't stop him from being annoyed. he scowled down at the floor, making a show of shuffling away from phil slightly as he tucked his knees up against his chest, feet resting on the couch. their hands were nowhere near touching now, dan deciding there probably wasn't much he could do right now in the way of convincing phil he'd miss their intimacy anyway.

'dan?' phil's soft voice

oke through their silence and dan glared one last time at the grey carpet before allowing himself to look up and take in phil's small, sympathetic half smile. his lips curled downwards pretty much as soon as he started to speak again, however, and dan sighed, resolving himself to the fact he wasn't truly mad at phil. it was just this whole, stupid situation they'd found themselves in, and even as phil spoke words dan desperately did not want to hear, he was softening to the older boy once again; he couldn't help it.

'i know you're still hoping i'm going to change my mind about all of this,' phil murmured, his voice gentle but the words harsh in their own way. dan frowned at the accusation, but phil was right and dan thought it sort of ridiculous that phil was speaking with such knowing tones when it was already glaringly obvious to dan; of course he was never going to give up hope completely! that would mean accepting his fate and phil's ideal and dan wasn't about to let the universe, or phil for that matter, trample all over his feelings like that.

'but i need you to stop.'

the words sliced through dan's soul like the sharpest of knives; they dug deep and cut clean, and all too easily. giving up hope for dan was giving up altogether. phil wanted dan to give up on them. the older boy didn't have any hope though. everything he said he felt was real, not just some lie fa

icated to supposedly make it any easier. phil had never had any hope for them from the very beginning.

'it won't change anything all right. there's nothing we can do to fight this, it's just how it is.' phil was droning on but dan wasn't really listening anymore. he was reaching out; desperately grasping for just about anything he could still hold onto, any part of phil that didn't fully believe they were doomed. if phil felt this way, really and truly, dan would sort of be forced to accept it too, even if he didn't want to and god did he not want it to come to that. there could still be hope, couldn't there? people can change their minds; people can be persuaded. dan only needed the right words, the right actions.

'dan, i'm sorry. i know i'm upsetting you, but well, it's my fault anyway. i haven't been strict enough. i've probably given you false hope letting us...well, some things-' phil stopped, cheeks flushing in chagrin and dan felt his face heat too. he knew exactly what phil was talking about, not that he'd assumed that one extra kiss a few days ago meant anything along the lines of him winning, no false hope there; it was more a testament to the fact phil had really crap self control.

'i'm not trying to cut myself off from you completely,' phil went back to begging, his pleading tone speaking volumes of thoughts and feelings dan didn't want to understand, but he'd be lying if he said he couldn't see phil's truth anymore. considering they were currently 'purely platonic', the semi-regular make-out sessions probably weren't the best thing to be doing.

'it's just...well, some boundaries might help?' phil suggested, but his statement was more a question, asking if dan would be okay with that idea like dan would ever be okay with the notion of phil removing him like he was some sort of life-sucking parasite. 'if we're trying to stay friends and all...we probably shouldn't be doing this,' he added, and it was only at phil's soft squeeze of his hand that dan realised as phil glanced down he was indicating to their fingers which had once again become entwined on the rough fa

ic of the couch, unable to resist the magnetic pull that had been heightened by months of denial. it was only something small, yes, but it was something softer amongst the normal pain, something comforting, yet phil wanted to take that away too.

'phil! this is nothing!' dan cried growing quickly more desperate as phil took his hand back,

eaking off their contact leaving dan nothing to hang onto. but phil was shaking his head sadly in response and there was nothing dan could do to stop it.

'no, it's something and you know it is,' phil answered with that cold forcefulness to his voice again, a tone that quite clearly seemed to convey he didn't need dan as much as dan needed him. phil could let go and let himself move on too easily. maybe that had come from the many more years of lost hope living with unrequited love. phil was used to a distance he didn't want. dan wasn't. 'you know this is only the first step, dan. this leads to other things i know you know we shouldn't be doing.'

the words were accompanied by a quick but unmistakable glance, phil's eyes dropping to dan's lips before darting back up to lose themselves in a

own gaze that was hurt and angry and felt betrayed. what they'd done hadn't been much, just a few kisses really; nothing that was going to really add to the pain significantly, considering it was so unbearable already. yet phil still wanted to take away the only good thing they had left, the only part of this dan was still enjoying. love sort of sucks, but he'd figured a few kisses here and there and a close hug was something he could make do with. now he was expected to just stand back and pretend they weren't in love at all? deny himself everything he wanted from life? could phil really think it was better that way?

dan didn't want to stick around to find out the answer to that question. he didn't want to be around phil right now. he'd find him later, maybe, when phil was in a more pliable mood, because right now when life was already pissing dan off enough, phil adding to the mix didn't exactly help matters. so yanking himself away from a shocked phil, dan stood up angrily, throwing a cold-hearted glare back in the older boy's direction.

'will i be allowed to hug you goodbye at the train station in seven months time, or is that off limits too?'

dan regretted the harsh words that had slipped out in the heat of the moment the second they were made heard, but he didn't regret the emotion that birthed the reckless remark. he was bitter and it was perfectly fair, he thought, to feel that way given what phil was doing to him. and especially considering, more and more now, it was seeming the older boy had no regard for dan's feelings at all, perfectly happy to bash them about like he was phil's personal punching bag. so instead of staying to hear phil's response and risk more pain, the younger boy left, only having time to throw one last quick glance in phil's direction and mutter something about going to class before phil was out of sight and hopefully out of mind for now. that one quick glance however was plenty enough time to recognize the heartache and pain evident in phil's expression now, and it was a look whose memory seared itself on to dan's soul like a

and that could never be removed, representative of a hateful comment that could never be taken back.

dan didn't go to class like he'd said. he went straight from the common room to the bench upon which he'd first told phil he loved him and he cried.

6 months

dan should have known phil's self control wasn't going to last long and it really didn't once the six-month limit hit and they both realised half their time was up. really, the pain couldn't get too much worse from now could it? wasn't it was already bad enough? they may as well indulge for all the difference it would make, right?

this was the vague explanation for how phil found himself in dan's bed one friday after school despite his favour towards those carefully constructed barriers. the walls

oke down quickly, so fast phil was struggling to keep up, leaving him no choice but to just go along with it. his immediate reaction when dan clearly started coming onto him was that he'd made a serious mistake and should never have agreed to come over and 'play video games' in the first place, but that thought was quickly snuffed to be replaced with something along the lines of...well he couldn't really think at all.

he knew it was wrong, god did phil know just how wrong this really was, but sometimes, just sometimes, he couldn't help it. he'd always had a particular weak spot for dan, of course, and in the last few weeks he'd been feeling so sad and isolated every time dan so much as threw the shortest glance in his direction. phil wasn't sure he could take it anymore; he certainly didn't want to, even if he could summon the energy to try, and that was why, when one minute they were platonic and the next not so much, phil just gave up and gave in. one moment with dan would be all right, wouldn't it? it certainly wouldn't be enough, just one short moment, but it couldn't hurt. and phil was human, he was going to make mistakes; as perfect as he'd tried to be he was human, no matter how much he hated it. he might have been able to stop himself had it occurred to him all this emotionality on his behalf was probably eating dan up inside, but in the moment all phil was considering was how nice it would feel, just for this moment only, to just sort of...let it happen. he had all this pent up love and affection that had been struggling to get out for years but remained unshared; it needed to be channeled into something, didn't it? it was bound to leak out now and again anyway.

and dan just had this way of catching phil off guard, starting by just sitting close but then coming ever closer and being just the right amount of distracting to make it all too easy for phil to forget what else was going on for now and instead let the moment happen how it was going to happen. one moment they'd be lying close, arms maybe touching as they watched a show neither of them was really watching all, but then dan would stretch a little, shuffling against phil for a moment before coming down to rest in a position that was now much closer to cuddling. this progressed slowly over the course of an entire episode eventually reaching the point of no return when hesitantly, dan would move his hand, letting his arm come to rest over phil's chest as he 'innocently' cuddled up closest.

'dan,' phil warned, but his heart really wasn't in it because it was warm here with dan wrapped around him and it was nice, and it was comfortable and this, this is what life should be, he thought. he didn't want it to end and dan was relying on that.

'just for five minutes?' dan reasoned hopefully but was secretly gambling on a lot more than a rationed cuddle. phil was losing a lot of comprehension on why this was wrong by the time he felt dan's answering grin to his reluctant agreement curling up on his neck, tickling the delicate skin there.

the next episode began to roll but it still wasn't like anyone in the room was watching because soon after the opening credits phil felt the second soft kiss to his neck. from that point onwards as loudly as part of him was screaming no, another part was screaming about how damn much he loved the younger boy and it was only a short battle between two halves of phil's mind before the path of least resistance took hold. when phil next spoke dan's name it was being murmured against the boy's lips as they shared a forbidden kiss.

the kiss went on and on and on, far longer than it should have, but the longer it went on the harder it was to pull away. there'd be consequences later for sure, but right now phil thought he had much more important things to focus on. it was easy really, because time sort of ceased to exist, lost all meaning, so the lack of it didn't bother anyone for once. deadlines: what were those?

'we really shouldn't have done that,' phil muttered some time later when they'd finally pulled away. he still wasn't quite convinced of his own words even, but before the time when he fully came back to his senses he was relying on that small part of his mind now reminding him there was a reason they were supposed to be holding back. oh yeah, that was right: six months. phil plummeted quickly from the high as he was reminded why kissing dan was really a bad idea although it had seemed like such a good one at the time. to phil's side, however, dan was propping himself up on his elbows to grin down at phil, euphoric still in his success of catching phil off guard.

'you loved it,' dan replied suggestively as phil frowned up at him, but dan knew he was winning because phil was blushing again telling dan he was on the right track.

'dan,' phil warned, half-hearted only because he wanted to argue with himself as well, but the matter had to be closed. it was hard to believe something that had felt so right not a minute ago was really so wrong, but phil had had six months practice forcing himself to live that lie; he wasn't about to let himself ruin it all now for the sake of one kiss with dan.

'you wanna do it more,' dan interjected still grinning. he definitely wasn't in the mood for serious talk right now, not when he'd just spent half an hour kissing phil lester; he didn't want phil to go and ruin his good mood for him now with his negativity and talk of how wrong it all was. he'd had six bloody months of that, more fights than he'd ever dreamed it was possible for him to have with phil. he'd walked out on the older boy so many times because he just didn't want to listen, but he knew, deep down, as bad a solution as it was, phil was only trying to do what was best for them. it was just hard to really believe, or even believe phil truly thought so, that this was what was best. so when phil sighed, sitting up again next to dan and looking like he was about to launch into another one of his serious disapproval talks, dan fought to keep the mood light.

'this doesn't mean we're dating, dan,' phil murmured, meeting dan's gaze with a sadness mixed into the usually

ight blue that dan could easily guess the reason behind. one kiss didn't mean too much after all, it was just one kiss. no matter how much phil knew dan wanted to let it mean something more, it couldn't, not now, not ever. dan had been hoping it meant something more, so his next words were a lie, just like the rest.

'i never said it did,' he replied, on the defense but phil's forlorn smile said it all. he'd known the younger boy for years; long enough to know exactly when his face was giving away a lie, and this was the biggest lie in their history. dan still had hope and phil was still trying his best to crush it. it was clear dan had imagined some extra meaning to that kiss, maybe a promise something else was going to happen, but all it had been for phil was a lapse of self-control, right? it definitely did mean phil wanted to give up their whole facade now.

'dan. i'm not about to take advantage of you if that's what you're expecting,' phil murmured, desperately hoping, pleading with god that that wasn't what dan had been wanting, begging for forgiveness for how far he'd taken it already. too far. too far to be fair to either of them. the last half hour had been a mistake, such a big mistake. yet dan was still grinning with that hint of smugness, unable or unwilling to realise how much it was torturing phil on the other side.

'i never said that either, did i?' dan replied with that cocky grin still in place, leaving phil distracted again. he could have gotten annoyed with phil but dan felt he'd been frustrated with phil for too long; he just couldn't

ing himself to get mad any longer, not today at least. he was too tired of it all and it wasn't like it ever made anything better when they argued; all it did was

ing more pain down on their lives. so instead of anger, dan stuck with the lighthearted, witty banter that didn't really help any situation either.

'all i did was prove i'm irresistible,' dan noted, causing phil to roll his eyes at dan's expression; cocky, just the right amount of sass, all coming out through a grin with his tongue poking between his teeth. it sort of made him look unfairly adorable in phil's eyes and well, irresistible. dan sort of had a point.

'dan, it was only one kiss,' phil reminded him patiently, but dan wasn't listening, wasn't hearing what phil was trying to say.

'one thirty-minute-long make out session you mean,' dan replied still grinning, able to see phil was trying to be serious, but working laboriously to change that around, not to much avail though. 'so a bit more than one kiss. a new record actually.'

'dan. please. listen to me. that doesn't mean-' phil started but dan chose to cut him off with another kiss. just a quick peck on the lips but enough to shut phil up as dan's expression softened. the cockiness was gone now, replaced by something much gentler, affection and sympathy and above all, longing.

'six months, phil. six months is still a long time. a lot can happen. six months might be enough!' dan was hoping again, trying to reason with phil, but it was such a lost cause with this stubborn boy had dan loved him any less than absolutely he would have given up months ago. but he loved phil completely, and was willing to try almost anything to overcome the barriers the older boy was putting up. these defensive walls, they needed to be knocked down dan was sure, so sure. phil was wrong; this wasn't what was best. phil was causing them years of pain all in the space of only one. at least, even if long distance didn't work out, dan's ideal gave them a few months of good memories to live on at least.

phil wasn't buying though. six months wasn't the lifetime he'd dreamt of and anything that was going to end at some point or another wasn't worth pursuing in the first place, he thought. he was scared really, running away from a little heartache but leaving a dust cloud of disaster in his wake. 'dan,' he groaned, letting the other boy take his hands gently, but trying not to notice how nice the contrast of their skins looked on one another, pale pink against the soft golden glow.

'it won't be. how much we love each other…i just know nothing short of a lifetime will be enough and we can't have that long.' phil tried his best to reason, but dan was just as stubborn as phil and he wasn't going to see; all he was thinking about was right now when they were together, not the future, not six months time when dan would be coming home from the train station having said goodbye and have to face the rest of his life without phil right there like he was now. the future wasn't going to be pretty.

'but with six months we might be strong enough to keep it together long distance, just for a year, then i'll be at university too and i'll be closer and it will be so much easier and-'

dan's interjection, his desperate argument, was cut off once more by phil. how it always went: an endless disagreement that, once they'd now started, they could never back out of.

'dan, not this again,' phil complained with a shake of his head. 'you know how much it hurts me to think this, but no matter how much i love you it won't change the 200 miles that are going to be between us. what we're doing now, i know it's hard to imagine when we can be only 2 inches apart, but what we keep doing now is only going to make the split hurt more. it's only making it all worse, the more we cling to each other. we're going to need a clean