1. Chapter 1 (1/1)

behold, my first femmeslash. for that i ask you to be…semi-gentle, lol. other chapters will be longer, for this one was intended to be quite short. r&r and enjoy.

prelude

i still remember the night as if it happened merely hours ago. i can feel cool tokyo air blowing across my face and mussing my hair. if i close my eyes, i can see the streets illuminated from the lights and i can hear the sound of passing traffic. the smell of the city air still lingers in my nostrils. when all these things tie together to make the scene, i can feel nana's lips

ush mine, gentle as the

eeze that was rolling in that night.

i touch my mouth, a pinch to wake me up. nana's not here and this is not that tender moment that frequents my dreams and fantasies. my eyes see not the streets of tokyo but instead the confines of my own room. i'm balled up underneath my comforter in the darkness, sweat beading my

ow. i throw the covers off of me and move to leave my bed, but something stops me and i stay. laying there, i wonder what nana's doing or if she ever dreams of that night the way i do. i wonder if she feels the way i do.

a pang of guilt stabs at my chest and i stare at my hands. i know that i should not be thinking of nana when i have shouji. shouji, who makes work mean something, who tells me everything is okay, who has no one else but me. no matter how hard i try, my heart can't care and my mind can't make it. it switches gears and thinks about nana again. nana, who gives me strength to go on, who can hug me and make everything okay, who makes life worth living. nana, who has several people besides me.

that one thought hurts more than the guilt ever will. it feels as if someone has delivered a blow to my chest and i double over. i don't notice the salty streams of tears that are running down my face until they leave wet, darkened spots on my sheets. i wipe my eyes with the back of my hand and lay back in the bed. it gives me comfort to know that if someone were to walk in here, they would not be able to see me shedding useless tears.

the pillow my head is laying on is cold and smells like alone, and it certainly doesn't help me in my state. there is nothing comforting about this room of mine. the air is hot and feels solid, like it's going to choke me every time i take a

eath. every part of me wants to go to bed and forget about things right now, but i'm having trouble taking my own advice, like usual. i tuck the covers up to my chin and shut my eyes, an attempt to force myself into sleep. then, the same way it always does, the memory of that one night leaks into my mind. it doesn't matter how many times i try to lock it away. it always comes back.

it's colder than usual and i shiver, not only from the weather but from the adrenaline i feel flooding my veins. i'm excited because i've found blast their bassist, shin, and i'm bouncing around nana like the dog she calls me. she gives me that look of hers, the one that let's me know she's grateful, and utters a thank you before her cold fingers grab my chin. she pulls me close and closes her eyes, and before i know it, her lips are pressed against mine. the heat creeps across my face and every nerve ending in my body feels like a hot wire. the soft fur of her coat caresses my skin and she smells like cigarettes and cheap perfume. her lips pull away from mine and she's smirking.

"i thought you said you're not into girls," i hear my voice say, and even i know it sounds stupid. she keeps walking, ignoring me, and i feel dizzy and confused. it is not until later that night i realize that i liked it.

thoughts like these don't keep me awake at night. usually, this is what sends me to sleep. it is the shining light in my darkest of rooms, and i just can't let it die.