1. Chapter 1 (1/2)

thoughts of you

by: ryquest

what do i feel – truly feel – when i look at you?

onii-sama has asked me the same question, mocking me even as he knew i struggled daily to

keep you from penetrating the hidden recesses of my heart. how verily i guarded

myself against the onslaught of your almost cruel kindness. how i knew that

your warmth and affection masked a hidden longing, a desire you perhaps could

not name in your innocence.

the same yearning you roused within me, perhaps.

it goes beyond friendship, this relationship we share. yet it remains bereft of

lust, for in your nobility there is little room for the wanton longings of the

flesh. in your desire to protect you see past my need to be held, sometimes;

to simply be lost in the urgent, passionate release that feverish mating seems

to

ing. he offers me that in our nights together, when you slumbered and

dreamt of a prince.

that which i almost ardently wish you could give me, in his place.

and

you could not, my engaged one, because you are but a girl who desires to be a

prince. because you are fraught to the same weaknesses from which i had

succumbed to, which have doomed me to my fate as a witch. you could not see

past your own need, your fervent pride; you hold to your rose-colored view of

the world wherein there are princesses to be protected, and princes to shield

them.

you

could not possibly be a prince, for i am not your princess. nor could i be

one, other than in that fragmented dream that had tormented me that night.

when, bereft of both you and my

other, when i have sent you out to deliver

roses knowing what is to befall you in his arms, i simply lost myself in my

longing to be your

ide in all honesty, in simplicity, in truth.

there

is such singular joy in hoping. and an even greater pain in knowing that there

is nothing to hope for.

so

how do i really feel when i look at you, utena-sama?

i

do not know, for certain, for feeling is what i had ultimately forbidden of

myself.

it

robs me of certainty, this strange feeling that awakens in me when i behold

her.