1. Chapter 1 (1/2)

crush

disclaimer: i own neither the jlu nor btvs.

xander looked around him blurrily, or rather looked below him blurrily, as he was currently on the ceiling.

the founding members of the jla stared at the young man, who was sprawled out on the ceiling above the table where they held their weekly meetings.

"how did you get in here?!" demanded a certain dark cowled figure.

"this isn't my bedroom floor?"

"no, dude it's the ceiling of our conference room," the flash replied, wondering how drunk you had to get to mistake one for the other.

"oh crap."

*wham*

wonder woman flung her magic lasso far too late to do anything aside from catch him around the waist as he slammed into the table.

everyone winced at xander's impromptu belly flop.

xander gave out a muffled "owww" as he rolled off the table and fell onto the floor the lasso tangling around his waist.

"are you ok?" superman asked.

"that depends, am i in the watchtower and are you the jla?" came the voice from the floor.

"yes to both, now how did you get in here?" batman demanded.

"well it all started at a strip club in oxnard..."

"exploiting women to satisfy your own base lusts?" wonder woman interrupted.

"hey, someone wearing an outfit that would fit in on stage isn't allowed to comment and for your information i wasn't a customer, i was a dancer and as far as base lusts goes, if you haven't had massive amounts of lesbian bondage sex i'll eat batman's cooking," xander retorted wondering when he was going to wake up. his head felt bloated and he still felt halfway drunk.

a shocked silence filled the room as everyone froze in place, hoping that if they didn't make any movements she'd forget they were there.

wonder woman's response stunned everyone who hadn't considered what the social life of someone who lived on an island populated solely by un-aging young women would be like, ie everyone but xander, who had spent countless hours with his best friend jesse during their teenage years speculating on just that subject.

"what constitutes a massive amount?"

"if you have to ask, then you've already had it."

"which pisses you off more; the stripping or the stripping for the opposite sex?" xander asked, still lying on the floor watching the room spin a little crankily.

"there's nothing wrong with stripping in a private setting for someone you care for. it's just that the males i have seen that frequent such places are … lacking in base humanity."

"you should see the women that frequent the male strip clubs, i haven't seen a lack of humanity just a serious lack of restraint."

"i'll have to go to one before i can comment on that."

"ahem! we're getting off topic," the green lantern interrupted gruffly.

"we had a topic?" xander and flash chimed in together.

"how did you get here?" batman growled out.

"well as i was saying, i was working as a stripper so i could get my car repaired – cuz the engine decided to drop out of it when one of the women ripped my g-string off with her teeth for some reason this prompted a rush on the stage and i was right in the middle of some interesting flash backs when a demon appeared and offered me a wish."

"a demon offered you a wish?" hawkgirl asked skeptically, glancing at his waist to ensure the lasso was still in place.

"well yeah, personally i think she didn't like the idea of all those girls pawing at me when we'd just gone on a date a couple of weeks before."

"you dated a demon?" superman asked, wondering what had happened to the morals of his youth.

"she was human when i dated her, and it was just the one date! i took her to the prom, she hadn't been human very long and i felt a bit sorry for her. sure she was the patron saint of scorned women..."

"you dated anyanka?!" wonder woman exclaimed.

"yep, a good dancer, very pretty, but her conversational skills were still stuck in the vengeance against all things male. so a lot of patience and a strong stomach was a must."

"so what did you wish for?" shyera spoke up, her wings fluttering a little as she leaned to the side and stared at the dark haired young man who seemed quite content to lay on the floor and stare at the ceiling.

"well you have to understand, i was in the middle of a panic attack at the time but me and some friends had talked about what we would wish for if we were ever granted one, and although this was a wish it was more of the monkey paw variety since a demon was granting it. but she did have a nice time on our date and said i was the least scum like male she'd ever met. so i figured i had about even odds of something good happening or ending up in hell being tormented for all eternity."

gasps and shudders met xander's matter of fact announcement as the capes around the table imagined the risks he'd took.

"she really said you were the least scum-like male she'd ever met?" wonder woman asked intently.

"yep," xander stated proudly. "and then she demanded a good night kiss and said she would like to stay and have me give her many orgasms, but she wasn't going to risk her newly acquired mortality on me and my friends ability to stop a demon ascension ritual.

"that sounds bad," flash said, unaware of just how big an understatement that actually was.

"back to the topic at hand," batman growled out.

"right," shyera agreed. "what exactly did you wish for?"

batman suppressed a growl of frustration as the young man spoke up, "you have to understand that i was drunk at the time."

"you were drunk and stripping?" the green lantern asked.

"yep, see i was hired as a dishwasher, but one of the dancers

oke a leg and there was no way i was going up there sober."

"and the wish?" superman asked, curious himself.

"a buddhist walks into a burger king and says..." xander grinned and waited while everyone looked at each other in confusion.

the flash being a natural joker figured it out first. "holy shit!"

everyone stared at his uncharacteristic use of profanity.

"sorry guys i mean... well no, holy shit about covers it," the flash nodded meaningfully.

"wash that a joke or are you serious?" shyera asked, wondering if this was just some earth cultural thing that didn't translate well.

"both," flash and xander answered at once, confusing everyone once more.

"what was it like?" the flash asked, wonder and shock apparent in his voice.

"do you remember when you first rode the lightning?"

"yeah."

"like that, only more so."

"whoa!"

"i don't get it," superman voiced what everyone save the flash was thinking.

"a buddhist walks into a burger king and says... make me one with everything," flash said.

questions were fired from everyone but flash let out an ear splitting whistle and everyone fell silent.

"forget it, unless you've gone through it you can't understand. trying to explain it is like trying to explain sight to a blind man... no it's more like trying to describe virtual reality games to helen keller."

"so you can't describe it at all?" wonder woman asked.

"describe the un-describable?" xander said. 'maybe an analogy.' "it was like clinging to god's

east with her nipple in my mouth, listening to her giggle."

flash nodded thoughtfully a far off look in his eye. "yeah that pretty much covers it."

"what is it with men and

easts?" hawkgirl grumbled rhetorically.

"hey!" xander complained, finally climbing off the floor and taking a chair between hawkgirl and the flash. "everyone who's been one with at least one facet of reality raise your hand."

the flash and xander both raised a hand and looked around the table.

xander turned to the flash. "what's the nature of reality?"

"an all encompassing warmth and softness that radiates love and fills a void you never knew existed."

"now doesn't that sound like a

east to you?!" xander demanded.

the other male members of the jla began to nod, but stopped at shyera's glare and wonder woman just blushed and avoided eye contact.

the flash was completely unrepentant. "what's the nature of reality?"

xander grinned. "an indescribably beautiful and wonderful woman with indescribably perfect

easts, whose nipple i was glued to."

"so reality is a woman and you decided to attach yourself to her nipple?!" hawkgirl asked doubtfully.

"not really," xander shrugged. "that's just where i was pulled to when i passed the border of reality and ascended to the metaplane. i didn't plan on landing there, but i was pulled like an iron filing to a magnet."

"so you're magnetically pulled toward

easts?" hawkgirl said sarcastically.

xander nodded "yep, i can point out any pair in the room with my eyes closed, it's like a sixth sense."

"i find that hard to believe, lasso or not," green lantern stated, his arms crossed across his chest.

"no, it's true," the flash declared. "i can do the same thing. it's a side effect of ascending reality."

"then why have you never mentioned it before?" the dark knight questioned, giving up and joining the conversation.