13. JYUSAN (1/2)

sakura falls

by: sorano

chapter thirteen

disclaimer: ccs does not belong to me. it belongs to the wonderful clamp.

"for not one flower can be crushed without troubling a star."

unknown

how can mei-ling be dead? just like that? i mean, she was here one day and dead the next!

"sakura-chan?" fujitaka asked with worry. "are you alright?"

sakura blew up then. "of course i'm not alright! one of my closest friends is dead and it's my fault!"

"sakura-chan, calm down. it's not your fault."

"yes, it is!" sakura sobbed, tough act all forgotten.

fujitak em

aced his daughter and she buried her face in his shirt. "sakura-chan, just because you happened to be there at the same time does not mean it's your fault."

"you don't understand!"

touya, who was watching silently, shook his head at his father. words won't comfort her now…

fujitaka sighed and nodded. sakura lifted her head up and sniffled. "i've got to talk to syaoran-kun, 'touchan. he must be really upset."

"are you sure you should-"

"i've got to go," sakura got up a

uptly and left.

"poor kaiju…" touya mumbled. "poor gaki too…"

* * *

sakura dug her long forgotten roller blades out of the garage and strapped them to her feet. the familiar pink plastic was great comfort to her, and

ought back many childhood memories. of times when mei-ling was still around.

the sun was just beginning to set and the air had a cold bite to it. sakura considered going in for her jacket, but there was a pressing urge to get to her boyfriend quickly. "what have i done?" sakura muttered the whole way. "how came he ever forgive me for killing his cousin? ara, i killed…"

"iie, that's silly. i did not kill mei-ling. i'm not responsible for meling in any way whatsoever." sakura believed that if she repeated this over often enough she might start to believe it. but no matter what, the guilt just wouldn't go away.

she reached syaoran's apartment and ran up the steps without removing her skates. there was no time for that. she pressed the bell over and over until a somber boy opened the door.

"come in, sakura-chan," he whispered. sakura studied his face closely. he didn't seem angry, that was good. was he sad? she didn't want him to be sad, but it would be better than the resentment she feared. there was nothing on syaoran's face. no emotion at all. of course, he had never been one for showing people how he felt.

a fire burned in the otherwise dark living room. the two sat in silence on the tatami rug, until noticed a small tear seep from her boyfriend's eye and she could no longer resist the urge to throw her arms around him. "ara, syaoran-kun! i'm so, so, so, so, so sorry!"

syaoran stroked her hair. "it's not your fault, how many times do we have to tell you that? would you feel better if i said it was your fault?" he choked back a sob and said," i'm glad you aren't dead too. i loved mei-ling, not the way i love you, but i will miss her."

he laid her head against his shoulder and stared thoughtfully at a portrait that hung above the fireplace. "i feel so bad sometimes, like i let her down. that i couldn't be what she wanted. i couldn't give her what she wanted. it hurts to think she might've died without really knowing love."

sakura knew what he meant. like tomoyo. i can't be what tomoyo wants either.

"i'm sure she felt love, syaoran-kun. she was surrounded by love and just never realized it."

"she had a boyfriend back home in hong kong, but she was never very happy with him. she told me she still loved me. my poor cousin, so desperate for love."

"i'm sure mei-ling is happy now, wherever she is. we have to believe that." sakura tried to console her boyfriend. "what disgusts me is that she died such a pointless death. so quick, so unpredictable, so…" sakura looked for a word, but could find none.

"stupid?" syaoran supplied the word bitterly. "i suppose. the stupid ones were the drunk kids who plowed into us. you know, she never wanted to die that way. she said she was a warrior and would die a warrior. my

ave, stoic, silly cousin."

syaoran gazed up at the portrait again. sakura caught his look, and searched for what had grabbed his attention so intensely. a family portrait. a young chinese man and woman. rather stern looking. a little boy with wavy

own hair, soft hazel eyes, and a hard stare. he was so familiar. four teenage girls, quite pretty and laughing merrily. and a little girl, her hand clasped tightly around the little boy's. sakura liked how the artist had captured the little girl's desire to hold onto the boy. the girl had long silky black hair and large amber eyes, just like the boy's. her sweet mouth was twisted in a mischievous grin. they were all adorned in traditional chinese garments.

"syaoran-kun, is that…?"

syaoran nodded wryly. "that was painted when mei-ling and i were four. i love that portrait and take it with me always. it symbolizes who my family is. not as the li clan, but just us. my parent's aren't as stern as they seem in that."

"why is mei-ling in the portrait?"

syaoran laughed harshly. " she is my family, too. she happened to be visiting with us that day. we hadn't planned on the artist showing up. mei-ling's family had never had a portrait done, and she insisted she been in ours. she had a huge temper tantrum."

syaoran smiled, remembering the day fondly. "she kept shouting, 'mei-ling-chan family too!' my parents finally agreed to let her in too, and i'm glad. she makes the picture complete, don't you think so, sakura-chan?"

sakura nodded absently, her mind lost in the past. "when's the funeral?"

"there won't be one. not here at least. the hospital…is sending her body…back to hong kong. the li clan will probably have a service for her there. i doubt it will be very elaborate though, just a little thing."

"why's that?"

"i think you know why, sakura-chan. they didn't honour mei-ling much. because she didn't have any magic and she wasn't a boy."

"she tried so hard though…"

"hai, sakura-chan. she did. mei-ling was amazing. she had a real future ahead of her."

"was all her life for nothing then?" sakura asked, her eyes welling up with tears. s

yaoran grabbed her fiercely. "never say that, sakura-chan! mei-ling had a huge impact on all our lives. perhaps even her death has a purpose. maybe it'll save you."

they stayed up late into the night, talking about mei-ling and the purpose of live. that each life has meaning and we all connect to each other, and we all have such an impact on each other. neither had thought so deeply before in their lives, but sakura decided it was nice. is this what it's like to grow up? is mei-ling helping me to grow up?

sakura had fallen asleep in syaoran's arms, feeling more safe and content than she had ever felt before. the fire cast a rosy glow over the dark room and a soft rain beat against the windows. their tears forgotten, they slept. and when they awoke they were both lying naked in syaoran's bed.

neither could remember how they got from the couch to the bed, but they both remembered it was wonderful. sakura felt a pang of regret and sadness knowing this was not her first time. this was supposed to be something special. syaoran and her had promised each other they would both be the first. that it would be different, wonderful for them. sakura had wanted sex to have meaning, importance. love…she felt no love for the other guys she had screwed.

"am i such a slut?" she asked herself. "so that syaoran could seem like just another guy?" oh, it had been fun. sakura had been filled with love, but it wasn't special. not like she had expected it to be. she wondered

iefly if syaoran was disappointed.

syaoran was still in deep slumber and sakura having no common courtesy, took it into her own hands to wake him up. "hey, syaoran-kun!" she yelled in his ear. "wake up!!!!!!!!!!" syaoran shoot straight up and looked around frantically. when he realized he was in his own bed, with only his nutty girlfriend beside him he relaxed.

beside him…his eyes widened and a blush spread over his face. "sakura-chan?"

"yep! ohayo, syaoran-kun!" she leaned forward and kissed him. "i love you. aishiteru."

he pushed her away gently and sakura pouted.

"eeto, say it!"

syaoran rolled his eyes. "aishiteru, sakura-chan."

sakura giggled. "okay! i love you."

"i love you, too."

"i love you more."