1. Chapter 1 (1/2)
"hello!" the naked nullo eunuch known as mario sez, no, says; no, shits. "it's-a me, mario!"
ushio was busy masturbating to animal poarn (the evolved form of porn,) as all shitty kanmusu do when otaku aren't watching. her ship cloaca chirped happily and sappily at the alfred alfer x drew pickles x pee-wee herman hentai three-way, mixed with a heavily edited episode of law & order: special victim unit that was forcing its florescent, mood-altering strobes, to subtly rearrange the wiring of her frontal lobe in such a way that will cause her to lose her eyesight, and vote for a libertarian u.s. presidential candidate in 2020, before she turns twenty-five years old. her mood soured the moment she noticed the greasy man standing behind her.she turned her head slowly, glaring over her shoulder as she swiveled around in her chair to face mario. "go away," she growled in her best impression of olivia benson. "i hate you."
"no." mario wagged his mustache and eye
ows in defiant, unrestrained anticipation.
suddenly, with all the agility and professional foresight of pornographic variants of every single episode from every single series and spinoff of law & order, she pulls out a handgun and cocks it, aiming for the heart, like an elite police detective from new york city. "i said go away! you fat, dirty fuck!"
"faack-a youuuuu-shio!" mario screeched as he unleashed a torrent of super mario fury from his nice and smooth front. it hit her right in the
ain stem, killing her instantly.mario stood in triumph, having finally put one of the attackers of pearl harbor to a fate worse than overly sexualized
own-skinned american male prison gang rape."yeah! hah-hah-haaaaahhh!" this filled him with so much patriotic pride that he enlisted in the u.s. military immediately, using the nintendo power.
because he was super mario, he was soon thrown in the back of a garbage truck at the earliest convenience by two green berets, who were disguised as undercover police officers, disguised as registered sex offenders, disguised as chris hansen in a desperate attempt to molest children on school property.
"you wan' goin' de ahhmy?! fatty bi'ch whit' boii, huaaaahhh!" one of the two, non-descript pedophile warriors/felons/proud american patriots screamed, right in mario's scrunched up testicle of a face. it was really loud and mean and it turned mario's doughy nullo eunuch sensibilities into an embittered gutter demon of castrations. mario mindlessly salutes and nods, before shitting himself.
and thus concludes mario's grueling boot camp experience. he now possesses all of the skills and tactics needed to become a low level drug dealer, in the name of national security. the two green berets had mario dress in the blood-stained clothes of a serbian immigrant. next thing mario knew, he was clad in a cheap, smelly, black and red coloured track suit someone got murdered in, and a pink trucker hat that proudly displays "will honk for yuge boobs!" in eye-catching gold and black comic sans font.
"now, go forth, and unleash your poarnstar destiny, you fat dego cuck!" the green berets saluted him, before unceremoniously dumping him out of their moving vehicle into a busy intersection in detroit. mario was almost run over immediately by a cop car. then narrowly avoids another one. then a third one. mario was about to panic as he saw an entire squadron of police cruisers zooming past him. it hadn't even been ten minutes and he's already facing the fuzz at full throttle. one car actually hit him, as if on cue of his realization. it crushed his kneecaps and it caused him to fall down, like a doughy midget man. he made inhuman noises of pain and hatred, now fookin' pissed that his knees got
oke by the cops.
"jeewwwwwwwaaaassssssssssss! spicslit fucker whooorrreeesss!"
that was all it took for the remaining cop cars to start spiraling and drifting around him at high speed.little did mario know, that in trump's america, unacceptable, or even fake racist, or sexist phrases in public are punishable by death!low-riding dirty ass cops are swirling around him, like the water inside a toilet bowl relentlessly sucking down a giant turd, like himself.even mario can't stop this many cockholes and birth canals. he slaps his ass fiercely, partly to empower himself staring into the face of death itself, in the form of twelve police cruisers.partly, however, simply because he likes making an ass of himself at the worst possible times. it was part of the reason luigi had moved away from his lecherous ass. the other part, however, luigi and his friends don't like to talk about.
it had to do with that one, fateful summer night.
dear ol' uncle travis, the man that mario used to look up to, had a weird condition; one that caused him to fetishize, no, obsess over the act of genital removal. he wanted to do this to mario for a long time, as far back to the day she was born, in matter of fact. in travis' mind, since she was fourteen at the time, and her
easts have grown fucking huge, that it was the perfect excuse to finally go through with it. she needed them parts removed, of course, otherwise she'll inevitably touch some other girl or woman's parts and end up wetting herself, in matter of fact.
which is gay of course, and therefore not natural nor godly, because god and black peter says so, in matter of fact, of course.
travis didn't understand the female body, or even the most obvious facts about orientation or genitals, in fact, of course, in matter of fact, in fact. in his eyes, god apparently hated mankind enough to demand him and his male
ethren to be attracted to unnatural gyroids with no penises, testicles or prostates to circumcise and castrate, and the bible-themed key chains whispering sweet, sweet madness was not helping him, mario or luigi lead remotely normal, incest-free lives, so he believes that this is how the gay spreads. it is okay for a girl or woman to wet herself while touching another girl or woman's parts only when she can see all ten of her toes on her bare feet. and only while their toes are wiggling. if it's true for him, then it must be true for everybody. perhaps even god. god saw adam and eve's parts after all, but did not touch them. because he is a just, forgiving god, and he is not a total sick fuck that will use your own love against you.