1. Chapter 1 (1/1)

so i had to move back to an old computer and it just so happens to have this ridiculous slightly angsty slightly racy crack!fic on it. so i'm gonna upload it for you all. might not be around much though because this computer is a bit

oken too.

disclaimer: none of this is mine.

there was a knock at the door and ingrid poked her head round it."vlad. i wanted to have a little chat." well, that never meant anything good.

it soon became apparent that his sister had taken it upon herself to deliver 'the talk'."you see, vlad, when two vampires love each other very much... or just get really bored, or drunk, it doesn't really matter... they have a special hug. and that's where baby vampires come from. now, you need to lea-" he cut her off."disgusting, ingrid, we are not talking about this." she laughed."i just don't want my little

other to catch anything nasty. who knows what diseases a vampire could pick up in, say, four hundred years?"

he glared at her."i don't know what you're talking about." ingrid shrugged and stood to leave."just don't get pregnant." vlad rolled his eyes."we did do sex ed at school, you know. i know men can't get pregnant.""

eather sex ed, vlad. think about it. how many gay male vampires do you know? enough to be sure?" he shook his head."i'm not falling for it, ingrid." she shrugged again."suit yourself. name it after me."

when she'd gone, vlad sat on his sofa, thinking. how many gay male vampires did he know? still, it made no sense for male vampires to produce offspring. it couldn't be possible. it's not like he was a seahorse... and why had ingrid decided to give him this speech now, anyway? she knew about him and bertrand, that much was clear. he and his tutor had been spending more and more time in the training room over the last few months, with no increase in the actual amount of training that happened. moreover, the water bill, as ingrid had remarked at

eakfast the other day, had almost doubled, while the heating bills stayed the same."almost," she had added with a pointed look, "as if someone had been taking a lot of cold showers."

still, bertrand had been a perfect gentleman, letting vlad set the pace of their relationship. the raciest they'd ever got was a sparring match in which the tutor mysteriously lost his shirt. and there was no way his sister could possibly be aware that he'd realised the next move was his to make, and had thought of little else in his few spare moments for the last fortnight. and yes, he had been taking a few more showers than usual.

there was no way a male vampire could get pregnant, he knew that. but ingrid had got under his skin and now he had spent most of a week wondering if there was even the slightest chance that what she'd said was true. now he decided to find out for certain, once and for all, before he lost any more sleep over it. it was beyond humiliating, however, that the only person he could ask was..."bertrand. have you got a moment? i wanted to ask you a few policy questions."

the tutor's eyes lit up as he followed vlad to the training room and watched the younger vampire lock the door behind them."not a policy question then?" something in the way vlad shook his head caused his heart to sink."is something wrong?" his student sighed."male vampires can't get pregnant, right?" bertrand almost laughed, but stopped himself just in time as he noticed vlad's expression."no. who's been telling you that?"

vlad cringed."ingrid gave me the talk last week. i knew she was messing with me. i'm such an idiot, i just... couldn't stop worrying about it, once she'd said it, and..." bertrand's hand on his shoulder cut off his babbling."it's understandable. your sister can be quite manipulative. why is it such an issue right now, though?" vlad looked up at him, an expression of acute embarrassment on his face."well, because... you know... us. i didn't want to risk anything."

bertrand's face softened."oh. you know we don't have to do anything you're uncomfortable with." vlad hastened to correct him."it's not – i'm not uncomfortable – i think... i think i'm ready. i mean, with the water bill, and everything..." - he was babbling again, not the image he wanted to present –"i want to, bertrand." there was a long moment, and vlad began to get concerned. why didn't he speak?"i don't."