20. Chapter 20 (1/2)

chapter xx

on one warm evening of the second week of october, when the leaves on the trees turned as red as the roads beneath them, di decided to pay nan a visit in order to talk with her about carl.

she didn't tell anyone, apart from her parents, about all the details of how she found out that carl loved her, and how he kissed her twice, and how he told her to

eak off the engagement with robert and asked her to love him in the same way as he loved her. but the time had come when she needed to tell someone else, to get a different point of view on things. she wanted to tell nan desperately, it was almost like a sin to her that she didn't tell her own twin a secret as serious as this one, she knew that nan probably would tell her that she has to love carl back because nan was a kind of person who always placed love for another person as priority as well as with thinking that everyone has to get married, the sooner the better, as she also believed in romance just as much as she believed in god and hope.

di was almost shaking when she was walking down the red road towards the manse, her twin's house. she only prayed to god that nan wouldn't tell her secret to anyone else. of course she wouldn't, she was her twin after all but… who knows how and when a person would tell a secret to someone else without even realising it?

all in all, di reached the green door of nan's and jerry's house and took a deep

eath before knocking nervously, three times. almost as soon as she knocked, the door swiftly opened as if by itself, and di frowned, becoming curious. she looked behind the door and there was jake hiding behind it with a mischievous smile on his face "i wanted to scare you!" he groaned with disappointement.

di chuckled and kissed his cheek "you will have lots of other opportunities, darling." she told him "where is your mummy?" she asked, looking into the hall.

jake, without any answering di's question, closed the door behind di and took her hand. she smiled to herself and followed him faithfullly. jake guided her to the kitchen where she indeed found nan who was singing, with an apron around her waist and a spoon in her hand.

nan giggled when she saw her sister standing in front of her with laughing eyes hidden under the green hat resting on her head "di, darling!" she exclaimed joyfully and put down her spoon in order to kiss her twin on each cheek twice "i'm sorry that i'm in such a mess." she apologised, although she didn't look sorry at all, she looked as if she was in a perfect state of happiness.

little rose was sitting on a chair next to her mother and danced a dance of her own with her doll "don't be ridiculous, nan." di waved her hand and took off her hat "i don't mind sitting here with you instead of sitting in the living room, like some old ladies with gray hair while drinking tea." she grinned at her twin knowingly.

nan smiled back at her and took a spoon in her hand again "alright then." she declared and took a bowl full of flour in her hands "what

ings you here my dear sister?" she asked her merrily.

di took a deep

eath again and made nan to look at her questioningly "i wanted to tell you something, nan." she said eventually "something i meant to tell you a while ago but i've been on a war with myself, fighting over whether bother or not to bother you with my problems."

nan looked almost angrily at di "bother me?" she said "di, you must mistake me for some other twin if you think like that. i would never want you to do anything else but to bother me with your problems!"

di smiled with gratitude at her "good, but before i tell you my secret story, could you promise me not to tell anyone about what i'm about to tell you?" she asked her pleadingly.

nan smiled warmly at her sister and bent down to kiss the top of her head "i won't even tell jerry, and you know that i do tell him everything." she promised and di was satisfied because she knew exactly when nan was lying and when she wasn't, and in that moment she definitely wasn't lying.

so di told her everything. it took her a long time to tell nan everything because nan was asking many questions and making a lot of comments which would always end with an exclamation mark at the end. but all in all, di told her sister everything and when she finished, she felt almost as free as she used to feel, once upon a time. when di finished, nan had already put the cake into the oven and took off her apron. she sat down next to di and her children and put her both hands in her twin's hands "so…" she said eventually "how do you feel about carl, diana?" she asked her seriously.

di sighed and looked at jake, rose and nan once again "i'm… not sure." she said slowly and then opened her mouth again "i think that… i might be able to love him in that way. i think… i think… but i'm not sure at all." she confessed, her cheeks red and her eyes wistful and tired.

nan squeezed di's hands and grinned at her sweetly like she always used to whenever she knew that she could talk with her twin about serious matters of love "darling, i can't tell you how you feel." she said "you must know it yourself."

"oh, but the problem is is that i don't know!" di exclaimed helplessly "i want to love him like that! i want to, nan, but the question is can i?"

"when he kissed you, the day when he told you that he loves you, did you feel anything at all? any warmness, any kind of feelings passed you?" nan asked her.

"of course it did." di replied "i turned all red, that's what i'm sure of. i was shocked, surprised and… i actually kind of liked it." she said and at that nan simply burst out laughing. di started to laugh as well, and rose with jake followed after them even if they didn't know why their mother and an auntie laughed so hard that soft tears started to flow down their cheeks. to be quite honest neither nan nor di knew why they started to laugh, but when they finished, they had to look for fresh tissues.

"you liked it then?" nan asked her, her face still smiling from ear to ear.

"yes, i did." di replied cheerfully, and wiped away her tears "i did." she repeated more earnestly and some of those fears and doubts came back into her eyes again "but i didn't feel anything else. i didn't feel like i ever felt when robert used to kiss me. but then this kiss was entirely different. i don't know, nan…" she sighed "i just don't know."

nan squeezed di's hands again "sweetheart," she said "-you know what i think you should do? you will think me ridiculous for suggesting such a thing but that's the only way you can find out the truth about your feelings."

di nodded at her nervously "yes? what should i do?" she asked her.

"i think you should talk to carl." nan answered decidedly "maybe not exactly about your feelings, but you should talk to him and tell him that you have a problem with realising the truth about those feelings you might or might not have in store for him. i'm sure he, most of all of us, would really love to know everything about your struggles deciding on this matter." she smiled at her kindly.

for a second di thought that this was indeed ridiculous. but when she thought about it for one more second she realised that it actually did make sense, a confusing weird sense but sense nonetheless. "i think you're right." she said finally "i have to talk to carl, as ridiculously as it sounds but i have to talk to him."

but it wasn't very soon when di actually decided on talking with carl about her feelings. it took her a whole month to eventually decide when and how to catch him and finally speak to him and cry her heart out, but not too much as she was telling herself, although she knew that this was quite impossible to avoid.

it was the very middle of the cold month of november when di put on her blue coat, her matching hat and her gray gloves slipped onto her shaking hands. if someone would say that diana blythe looked thirty years old on that day, they must have been blind or simply stupid. she looked wonderful. and so she made her way to the glen's school exactly half an hour after the lessons had finished. it was always the time when carl was finishing marking or checking on books of his students or simply cleaning the blackboard or preparing for the next lesson.