13. Chapter 13 (1/2)

two weeks after harry's `death', ruth returns to the grid. she is bored and upset at home, with too much time for thinking, which translates as too much time for catastrophising about harry. he had rung her the day after his `funeral', and she'd cried into the phone, as she'd described the day. they'd talked for a while, and then ruth had suggested that she be the one to ring him, as talking to him, and yet not knowing how long it would be until they saw one another again, was proving difficult for her.

"i'm not a field spy," she tried explaining to him. "i don't lie terribly well, and i've done nothing but cry ever since you left. when we talk on the phone, all i do is cry."

"isn't that what you're meant to be doing? aren't you meant to be grieving my death?"

"yes, but you're not dead, harry. imagine what a mess i'd be were you really dead."

harry had laughed softly into the phone, and she had been torn between telling him off, and being turned on.

"i know i'm being awful to you," she added, "and i'm sorry. how are you, anyway?"

"worried about you. you're having to bear the

unt of everything, and do all the work."

"not all of it. catherine's been a help."

"that's good. i'm glad."

they both listen to the other's

eathing, before harry again speaks.

"as much as i want to speak to you as often as i can, ruth …... if you're finding it difficult, then maybe …..."

"perhaps if you leave the phoning to me," she replies. "i'm not terribly good company for anyone at present. i want you here – with me – and i know i can't have that, and i'm angry …... and i don't even know who it is i'm angry with."

"feel free to be angry with me. i'm the one having a holiday in france, after all."

"are you enjoying yourself?"

"not really. i no longer know how to enjoy myself unless i'm with you."

"sex is not the only enjoyable thing we share, harry."

"i know. i'd just be happy to hold your hand." he waits a few seconds, listening to her

eathing at the other end of the phone. "this will be worth it in the end, ruth. i promise."

"i know it will."

it takes ruth another six weeks of being back at work for her to feel that she is again into the rhythm of her job. of course, her job can never he the same again, and she doesn't know how long she should wait before she gives notice. then she has a disagreement with gareth stonehouse over her own filing system – which has worked well for the past year, and no-one has yet complained about it. they have a shouting match in his office, during which she calls him insensitive and reactionary, and he fights back with unstable, old-fashioned, and hormonal.

being old-fashioned is something ruth is proud of. it's the words unstable and hormonal which have her storming out of his office – harry's office – and slamming the door so hard, it slips off it's track, and get's stuck part-way, so that gareth, being a large man, has to slip sideways through the gap in order to get in and out of his office.

when ruth reaches her desk, she slumps in her chair, finding herself close to tears – again. beth comes to the rescue, and suggests they go for coffee.

"how long since you've taken leave?" beth asks, once they are sitting at a table close to the window, so that they can people-watch, should their conversation dry up.

"i took two weeks leave when harry …..."

"right …. but apart from that. how much leave do you have owing?"

"lots. i just never see the point in taking leave. i get bored when i'm on holiday."

"look, we all know gareth is a fool, but we also know that as soon as they find a replacement for …... when that happens, gareth will be gone. take indefinite leave, ruth. take it now. you're meant to give notice, but you and gareth just don't hit it off, and no-one can blame you for that." beth winds her spoon around inside the coffee cup, heaping the froth to one side, as though she were shovelling snow. "were it me …... and i'm not decent like you, ruth …... but were it me, i'd wait until 5 o'clock today, and present gareth with a letter requesting you take leave, as of today. you don't even need to give a reason, although something along the lines of `irreconcilable differences' might be the way to go."

so, ruth has a plan for the remainder of the afternoon. firstly, she approaches her junior analysts, and informs them of her decision, and divides her tasks between them. secondly, she writes her letter of resignation from the security service, and on her way to the exit, she places the letter on gareth's desk, noticing the door had been removed completely. gareth had left the grid for a meeting, and had not returned. ruth is relieved that he is absent from the grid, and she'll never have to set eyes on him again.

ruth does not say goodbye to any of her colleagues. other than beth, who shares her flat, she does not expect to see any of them again. this saddens her, but she knows that it is the right thing to do. they believe she is still grieving for harry. she's not. she's angry and sad and confused, but doesn't quite know why. she also still cries for no good reason.

on the way home, she visits a cash point, and withdraws her daily limit - 500. she needs to leave a trail which says: i am leaving the country, and i may not be back.

during the following three weeks, she spends most of her time at harry's house. occasionally, catherine drops by, and together they go through his things, sorting out what he might want to keep, and what can be given to charity. some items – such as furniture and whitegoods – will stay in the house, since catherine plans to use the house as her london base.

"it's like he really is dead," catherine says, as they go through the chest of drawers in harry's bedroom.

ruth is annoyed with herself when she begins to cry …... just small sobs.

"are you alright, ruth?"