1. Chapter 1 (1/2)
Author's Note- The whole 'parody Jeopardy!' skit is Saturday Night
Live's writing crew's idea, not mine. I've only gone a step in another
direction, or perhaps taken a further step in the same direction. In any
case, Reader, hark; this is a fanfic based on SNL's joke. I can't take
credit for it.
This was written for everyone who loves the antagonistic relationship
between Alex Trebek and Sean Connery on SNL's Jeopardy! parody.
A JEOPARDY! CHRISTMAS MIRACLE
CHRISTMAS EVE
INT. JEOPARDY! STUDIO - NIGHT
ALEX TREBEK stands behind a podium, looking almost
orgasmic. His unusually bright demeanor off-sets the Jeopardy! theme playing
in the background.
TREBEK
Hello, and welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy.
In case your just joining us,
this is a special edition of Celebrity Jeopardy,
with Christmas themes added
to each category. Also, I take extreme pleasure
in noting that regular guest
Sean Connery has been...detained this time, and
his place has been
filled by comedian Carrot Top, a personal favorite
of mine.
CARROT TOP waves and smiles from his own pulpit.
TREBEK (cont.)
Our other celebrity guests; in first place with
negative three thousand, seven
hundred dollars, actress Teri Hatcher.
TERI notices the camera and holds up a large advertisement
for a wireless computer from Radio Shack.
TREBEK (cont.)
(laughing joyously)
Yes, Ms. Hatcher, plug away. In second place,
with negative five thousand
dollars, rapper Fat Joe.
FAT JOE throws a barrage of western gang symbols
at the camera, then mutters something incoherent.
TREBEK (cont.)
Right. A to the Tizzo, Joe. Ha-ha. Finally, Carrot
Top remains in last place
with an impressive minus ten thousand dollars.
Carrot Top winks and "dials down the center" in
the air.
TREBEK (cont.)
Okay, now entering Double Jeopardy!, I needn't
remind the contestants that
their charities have denied any knowledge of
even knowing who they are.
And now to the categories:
As Trebek names the categories, each lights up.
TREBEK (cont.)
POTENT POTABLES
HOLIDAY MOVIES
EGGNOG'S MAJOR INGREDIENTS
SONGS OF CHRISTMAS, these are audio clues
FAMOUS REINDEER
THE COLORS OF YOUR CHRISTMAS TREE
and lastly, WHERE SANTA CLAUS LIVES
Miss Hatcher, you're starting with the lead.
TERI
(grinning endlessly)
I'll take great low prices on digital cameras
from Radio Shack for $200, Alex.
Trebek uncharacteristically laughs loud and hard.
TREBEK
HA-HA! That isn't even a category, Miss Hatcher.
Why don't we start with
Songs of Christmas? Simply listen to this audio
clue and tell me the name
of the song you hear.
AUDIO BYTE
Rockin' around, the Christmas tree, have a happy
holiday.
Fat Joe buzzes in.
FAT JOE
Wat ish Um-bumble rakin' Christmas tree,
foshits Jesus, nigga bitch!
TREBEK
I'm sorry Joe, it sounds as though you were saying
something but
I couldn't understand you.
TERI
(buzzing in)
That's easy, Alex! What is the familiar jingle
of a Nokia-
TREBEK
No-
TERI
-cellular-
TREBEK
(loosing his good cheer)
NO-
TERI
-phonefromRadio-
TREBEK
NO! NO! NO! That is not the right answer!
TERI
(cowering like a frightened puppy)
...Shack?
Trebek stops himself and calms down. He straightens
his tie and smiles.
TREBEK
Ha-ha. No, that's incorrect...Carrot Top, why
don't you have a go?
CARROT TOP
I choose...Spanking Dead Monkeys for $600, Alex!
Trebek's smile falters a little.
TREBEK
Let's just pretend you said The Colors Of Your
Christmas Tree for
$800. Would anyone like to take a gander at what
color a Christmas Tree
would be?
Fat Joe buzzes again.
FAT JOE
Wat is brun ants gren, isib man fushuck up, nigga
bitch!
TREBEK
Once again, Mr. Joe. Please try to state your
answers so we can all understand.
Also, my censors are warning me that we may have
to cut broadcast
communication if you don't stop saying 'nigga
bitch'. Teri, Carrot Top?
Neither buzzes in.
TREBEK (cont.)
(struggling to keep his smile)
Let me give you a hint. What color is any tree?
Leaves or trunk.
Still nothing.
TREBEK (cont.)
Any-any time of season...can you tell me what
color a leaf is?
Carrot Top lights up and presses his buzzer.
TREBEK (cont.)
(relieved)
Yes, Mr. Top?
CARROT TOP
What are white and blue; like my ass in below-zero
temperatures?
Trebek stares into the camera for a long moment,
expressionless.
TREBEK
I'd like the audience and the viewers at home
to know I was high on
numerous rum-balls and seven shots of tequila
when I deemed Carrot Top
one of my favorite comedians. Maybe that explains
why my wife is leaving me.
TERI
(grinning again)
Well Alex, you can always win her back with a
twenty-inch Panasonic
Web TV from Radio Shack!
TREBEK
(speaking through clenched teeth)
I'm not going to let you people ruin this for
me. Believe it or not, I won't.
So just go on being as amazingly half-witted
as you are. You still can't compare
to what I've been through before. So! Moving
onto Famous Reindeer;
this reindeer has a red nose and guides Santa's
sleigh.
Fat Joe angrily slams his fist on his buzzer.
FAT JOE
Whos'at faggo Ruwof! Chiza man, fug you foo!
Nigga bitch!
TREBEK
(stunned)
F-Fat Joe, I think you might actually be getting
these right. Can we accept
'Faggo Ruwof'?...yeah? Yeah, they're saying yes!!!
My god! Fat Joe, you could be
the first contestant on Jeopardy to get-
Excited, Fat Joe steps down from his middle pulpit
and starts towards Teri Hatcher.
FAT JOE
Yo! Mow blist isht goin' blast dis up, feelin'
yah slut, pull yah' g-string
down sowf, my nigga bitch fuc-
A "Technical Difficulties" sign appears onscreen.
A little while later the Jeopardy! studio returns.
Fat Joe is gone.
TREBEK
(depressed)
I'm sorry, people. Fat Joe was forced to leave
the studio after threatening
to bring his posse' over and...do things...to
Miss Hatcher.
TERI
(smiling stupidly at Alex)
What's a 'Rainbow Fuc-
Trebek clears his throat.
TREBEK
Dropping that topic, this classic Holiday Movie
stars Jimmy Stewart, was
directed by Frank Capra and contains the words
"It's", "Wonderful" and
"Life".
OFF-STAGE VOICE
(echoing and heavily Scottish)
What is your mother's big fat ass?!
Trebek looks around, suddenly very afraid and
frantic.
TREBEK