3. TO Where Castles are Too Big (1/1)

alternate season 8towhere castles are too bigscene 1: joey and rachel's apartmentphoebe walks in, and sits in joey's chair, we hears strangled sobs, and phoebe gets up and starts heading toward rachel's room, then we hear a doorbell ring, phoebe turns to answer it, and it's alex.phoebe: hello, there, mister parker!alex: hello, to you, miss buffay! are you ready yet?phoebe: oh, definitely. where are we going?alex: i was thinking, if it's okay with you, that we could try out the vegetarian place a few blocks down. i know i probably should have told you, but i'm a vegetarian.phoebe looks at him wide-eyedphoebe: you're a vegetarian! that's so awesome!!! i am too!!!alex: really? cool... well let's go then.phoebe: okay, hey rach?from her bedroom:rachel: yeah?phoebe: i'm leaving, are you going to be okay?rachel enters the living room with red eyes, and a funny expressionrachel: i'll be fine. i just got a funny phone call before you got here. chris is in town. and he wants to see me.phoebe: oh, yeah, that's...is he the baby's...rachel: father? yeah, i guess i'm going to have to hunt him down. have fun on your date pheebs. phoebe: okay, i will, you be careful here now. she and alex exit.we cut to rachel sitting on the couch with her face in her hands, saying, "oh my gosh! what on earth am i going to do?opening creditsscene 2 - a guided tour of the french castle versaille, monica and chandler are in there looking around utterly amazed.monica: can you believe how big this thing actually is? i didn't things got this big until about 50 years ago!chandler: i know... it's truly amazing. oh, look at that painting, hasn't that guy been in every room since we got here?monica: you know what, you're right. who is that man? oh sir (to the tour guide) who is the funny looking man in the painting?tourguide: that is actually louis xvi. he is the man who had versaille built, he was also very stuck-up and full of himself.monica: oh... hey, that sounds like you chandler. chandler: do i look that bad?monica: of course not, the father of my baby would never be that ugly.chandler: i thought so.they kissthe group walks off down a hall leaving chandler and monica alone in that huge castlethe

eak the kissmonica: chandler, where did everyone go?chandler: oh my gosh! where are they?!? we have to find them... maybe they went up here. (motions toward a staircase) i i wonder what's up there.monica: well, let's go then, we better start looking.scene 3 - central perk joey and sam are sitting on the couch holding hands, ross is sitting in his chair reading a magazine when a strange, hot man, (chris-he's played by

ad pitt) walks in, and goes up to the counter to gunther.chris: hello, i've been in here a couple times with this girl, and...gunther: oh, yeah, one of rachel's date, eh?chris: yeah, that's her name, anyways, i called her earlier today, and she couldn't really talk right then, so i was wondering... have you seen her around today, at all?gunther: yeah, earlier, she was in here with them (motions to joey, ross, and sam) you might wanna ask them where she went.chris: thank you...gunther: guntherchris: gunther, and for your troubles, here's a tip... slides him a $100.chris turns over to where the gang is and sits down on the chair that is usually occupied by joey.joey: uh, excuse me? hello... who are you?chris: oh, how incredibly rude of me, my name's chris, does anyone here know a miss rachel green by chance?ross: we might, what's it to you? (realizing) oh my gosh! you're chris?? well, i'm pleased to know ya. does rachel know you're here?chris: she knows i'm in town... do you happen to know where i might locate her?ross: yeah, she's shopping down town either at saks or bloomingdale's.chris: than you so much! i've missed her so much these past few weeks! i guess i'll see you guys around... oh wait, what are your names?ross: ross, and that guy's joey, and he's with sam.chris: oh, i see. have a nice day.joey: you too, dude. chris leavessam: who was that?ross: the baby's dad!joey: ooooh!scene 4 - the streets of new york, the cabby has gotten them lost and somehow they have wound up in the

onx.phoebe: alex, honey, where are we? this is kinda scary. oh, and i'm a little cold...alex: (concerned) oh, you shoulda told me... here take my sweater. excuse me sir. (to a man walking the streets) can you point me in the direction of the village? i'm afraid i'm not completely sure of our location.the man: yeah, you're in the

onx. better hurry on down and find a cab before you get mugged.phoebe: oh my gosh! alex, let's get out of here! i haven't been here since i was 14, and my mother killed herself, and i was living with the albino man, who killed himself later. i can't be here.the man: phoebe?? i'm the albino man's

other!phoebe: oh my gosh, steve! wow, it's been so long.alex: (confused thouroughly) riiight!steve: well, here i can get you a cab! (whistles sharply and a cab appears out of nowhere)phoebe and alex get inphoebe: thanks steve!steve: you're welcome phoebe, don't be a stranger now!phoebe: i won't. they leave.scene 5 - central perk joey and ross are where we last left them, ross is reading a dinosaur magazine, and joey is drinking coffee, sam is reading voguejoey: so that's the baby's father, eh?ross: yup.sam: he's pretty cute. i bet the baby will pretty!ross: (mad) yes, rachel and chris will have the most beautiful baby ever!!! not me and rachel, but he and racheljoey: dude, chill out.(an obviously nervous rachel walks in the doors)rachel: hi guys!joey/ross/sam: hey rach!rachel: by chance... there hasn't been a really cute guy with blond hair and a french accent who answers to the name chris in here... has there??ross: actually, yes, we may have seen one about oh five minutes ago!!!rachel: oh my gosh! did he look happy, did he ask about me? oh my gosh, where did he go?!sam: well, he said he's missed you.rachel: (tenderly) really? wow, i think i need to go find him... i'll see you guys later... oh, ross, it's him.ross: (sarcastic) really? i woulda never figured that one out. rachel smirks then sticks her tongue out at him and exits with ross: (yelling) haha, real grown-up rach! what a great mother you'll make... i hope this chris guy realizes what he's getting into!rachel: (yelling) yeah, well, he doesn't know about the baby yet! at least it's not yours!!at that moment chris walks back in the doors, mumbling about his wallet. ross and rachel don't notice him, joey does, and looks scared.ross: at least i was smart enough to not get you pregnant.rachel: at least my baby won't have your nasty hair!chris jerks his head up, and says: baby?!? rachel?!? what baby?!?rachel: (ala janice) oh. my. god!ross: (to himself) haha, serves ya right!commercial

eak scene 6 - back in versaillewe see lots of shots of chandler and monica wandering around the huge castle just barely missing the group at almost everything they pass. finally we see them in a room with a bed, and chandler grinning suggestively, monica looks tempted, but unsure. then we see her shrug and jump into the bed, we assume they're... you know. a thing that says 1 hour later comes up, and a tour group barges into the bedroom, while they're still naked in the bed.chandler: hi, everyone. we've been looking for you for a long time! how do we get out of here?tour guide: uh... you aren't supposed to be in there.monica: we'll be right out, just give us a couple minutes to get dressed.tour guide: don't worry.monica (after they've left, to chandler): now that's a honeymoon!!chandler: after london, that's the best!monica: (sadly) i know... too bad we have to leave.chandler: well...monica: okay! they fall back into the bed kissing.outside the door, the group hears a loud moan come from someone inside! the tour guide barges in again, shielding his eyes, sees what they're doing, and goes to get security.a few minutes later, chandler and monica are escorted out by two very large men, while they're trying to cover themselves with the sheets.chandler: (to the policeman) yeah, we did it illegally.the cop: tu vais a la grande maison. (you are going to the big house)the other cop: ils fait cet ici! (they did it here!)the cop: oui, tres bizarre, le cham

e pour les servants! (yes, very odd, the servants bedroom)the other cop: ils sont tres stupide, mais le fille est tres belle! le garcon n'est pas beau! (they are very stupid, but the girl is very beautiful! the boy is not handsome!)monica: okay, enough! just get us out of here!the cop: elle est parler trop! elle a un large bousche! (she is talking too much! she has a big mouth!)they exit towing chandler and monica with themscene 7 - back to central perkchris is standing next to rachel with his jaw dropped. ross is smirking, and trying not to laugh. sam looks shocked. rachel is pale and

eathing really heavy. joey looks a bit lost.chris: (calmer) rachel, sweetheart, hello.rachel: (nervous) hello, there baby.chris: speaking of babies. rachel, darling, are you going to have a baby?rachel: actually, this isn't the way i planned on telling you.chris: well, are you?rachel: actually....chris: what?rachel: ...we're having a baby.chris: (happy but a bit curious) really?!? i'm going to be a daddy... oh wow. how did this happen though? we used the right stuff. i mean is it that easy for one of those little suckers to get through?rachel: i don't know... maybe they have tools.chris: (tender) come here, sweetie (holds his arms out to her)they kisschris: (softly) now i don't feel so stupid admitting that i'm in love with you. so, totally, in love with you. i love you, rachel green! rachel: (teary, (of course, it's rachel)) oh, honey, i love you too! (hesitant) you're not going to

eak up with me?chris: of course not, don't even think like that. she goes over to him and he puts his arm around her. ross: (sarcastic and a little ticked) aww... isn't that just the sweetest thing you've ever seen in all your life? i, mean, wow rachel's in love! with chris! isn't that just great? joey: (softly, to ross) dude, you had your chance! she's with someone else now, you're just going to have to get over her once and for all. (to sam, explaining) they dated for, like, a year, until he slept with the copy girl, and rachel had to dump him.sam: (in agreement) oh... i get it now. thanks sweetie. they kiss too.teaser scene 8phoebe and alex have arrived back at phoebe's apartment. they are standing there looking into each other's eyes, it's so cute!phoebe: wow, i had the best time tonight! we really need to get together again! or... you wanna come inside?alex: (embarrassed) actually, pheebs, i like you alot, really, i do. but...phoebe: but what?alex: i can't go in there with you.phoebe: (disappointed) why not?alex: don't laugh!phoebe: okay.alex: i can't have sex.phoebe: (interrupting and shocked) oh my god! why not?!? are you okay down there? what's the deal! (she's a little hysterical)alex: pheebs, sweetie, calm down. i can't have sex with anyone, until my wedding night. you see, i'm a virgin, and i like it that way -- until i'm married.phoebe: (in shock) wow! that is like, kinda cool. honorable, in fact. do you do anything, like, at all?alex: (mysteriously) well... i do do something. he leans in and kisses her very gently on the mouth.phoebe: (heading inside) yeah, call me!!!alex: i will!phoebe (inside in her mind) oh my gosh! he's as good as joey! and he has

ains! i'm in love!!!!