1. Great King Veceslav (1/2)

set mid-series 3 somewhere. stupidly early christmas crack!fic because it occurred to me as i walked up the hill in the snow earlier and i figured we needed some silliness in this fandom right now. enjoy!

disclaimer: not mine, that would be ridiculous.

good king wenceslas looked out,on the feast of stephen,when the snow l-

"the feast of baldur, vlad." bertrand interrupted his quiet carolling to himself as he worked his way through a dull essay on proper vampiric legal protocol. "do you really know nothing of vampire traditions and lore?" vlad sat back, lowering his pen."vampires have good king wenceslas?" bertrand sighed."we have the great king veceslav, yes. although we don't sing about him. and he really wasn't as impressive as his title would lead you to believe. you really don't know about him?" vlad folded his arms, sensing an opportunity to get out of the boring work for a while."why don't you tell me?"

bertrand sighed."if i'm going to tell you bedtime stories, should i replace all the characters with people you know and make you the hero, like a little child?" vlad grinned widely and nodded. bertrand didn't seem as put out by this as he'd expected, but he settled into his chair more comfortably and waited for bertrand to begin his tale.

the great king… vladimir… looked out of his window. it was the feast of baldur, and he was abstaining from the cele

ations as a mark of respect for his late queen's passing. the dust that had once been her army and its leader lay outside the window, covering the ground for miles –

bertrand stopped with a mischievous smirk."deep and crisp and even.""are you trying to scar me for unlife? you're ruining the caro-""if you'd rather go back to your work…" vlad fell silent and glowered at him. "good. i'll carry on. deep and crisp and even." the chosen one twitched, but didn't protest.

the great king was hungry. but then he noticed a peasant trudging wearily across his line of vision, gathering ashes into a large sack."bertrand," he called, and his loyal, highly intelligent, not to mention extremely handsome-

"bertrand, get on with it," the real chosen one grumbled, and he caught himself.

"bertrand," he called, and his loyal servant came to his side. "that peasant. who is he? and what is he doing?" the servant frowned out at the man, trying to make out his face, but for a while bertrand did not know who was collecting the ash from the ground.

"robin," vlad supplied, taking the hint, and bertrand grimaced."i thought you liked robin. do you call all the people you like peasants?" vlad frowned."fine… jonno, then."