1. Chapter 1 (1/2)

ok, so i got bored and wanted something nice and silly to post... here it is. warning: there is one swear in this fic, so if that's going to really offend you, just don't read this one. there's also mention of illegal activity.

disclaimer: nothing is mine but the silly idea for the plot.

"bertrand, miss mccauley asked me to check you'd disposed of those

ownies she confiscated earlier- what the-?" bertrand was grinning dreamily at him."she's always trying to give me food. but these actually looked good. and is this how chocolate makes you feel? it's amazing, i love it, it's

illiant." vlad frowned suspiciously."is this another attempt to make me see that

eather food makes you stupid?" bertrand laughed, then stopped a

uptly."are you calling me stupid?" suddenly a horrible, albeit highly amusing thought occurred to vlad."did you eat the

ownies?""mm yeah but not the miniature girl-guides, the cakey things. they were nice. you're nice." bertrand blinked, apparently surprised by his own words.

vlad studied him for a moment; he didn't appear to be joking. he slumped into one of the kitchen chairs and resigned himself to a long night of babysitting. trust bertrand to finally give in and accept the one food offering that really wasn't a food offering. the

ownies had contained certain... special ingredients that a whole bunch of sixth-formers had been expelled over, and any minute now..."i'm hungry," bertrand announced. "i'm going to go and get a

eather."the chosen one gave him a withering look and grabbed his sleeve, but as it turned out the look was enough; bertrand was going nowhere and doing nothing of the sort. they sat in the kitchen in silence, before bertrand started giggling.

"vlad," bertrand began, "you have the most amazing eyes, do you know that?" not for the first time since he'd discovered bertrand's mistake, vlad wished he could just use his amazing eyes to hypnotise his tutor into behaving himself. unfortunately, that would be morally questionable at best... besides which, he'd already tried twice and for some reason his hypnotism just wasn't working today."really." he wasn't particularly amused by having to cater to his tutor's crazy whims and humour his rambling. he wondered how long it would take the drugs to wear off. anyway, the rambling was at least better than the truly unnerving sight of bertrand giggling like a child. suddenly, though, bertrand was standing, stumbling towards his student."vlad, vlad. vlad. hey, vlad, are you listening to me? you've got to listen to me because i'm your tutor." he puffed himself up importantly, then let out a completely unnecessary

eath as he visibly deflated. "wish i wasn't, gets in the way." vlad raised an eye